The Mother Load

Ladies, what did you get for Valentine's Day this year?  Did your sweetheart indulge you with a trip to the spa for a mani/pedi?  Did he shower you with roses and chocolates?  Or did he go off the deep end and send you this:



The first time I watched this commercial, I thought, "This can't be real.  This is a joke."  So, I called the number.  I got a recording that told me I had reached Customer Care and that my call was very important to them.  It also told me my call would be recorded for quality assurance purposes.  I figured since all the recordings they've made so far haven't helped them produce a quality product, nothing I could say would, so I ended the call shortly into the hold music.  Would there have been an actual person waiting at the other end of that music to excitedly take my order?  I don't think I want to know that.

For the record, I got flowers on Valentine's Day, and I was very happy with them.  I don't know if Richard ever considered getting me a Hug E Gram.  I'm thinking not, since I had a lengthy text message convo with him about how flowers are the way to my heart, how he could never go wrong with flowers, how I don't care at all what kind of flowers they are or how expensive they are as long as they're colorful and alive.  (Ladies, if you don't tell them what you want, it's your own fault if you get a Hug E Gram.)

I'm trying to imagine how I would have reacted if a delivery person had come to my door with this.

Option A: "Richard? Are you mad?  Do we need to talk?  I'll stop making you listen to Snow Patrol in the car, okay?  Just...don't be mad at me."

Option B: "Sweet, I know I mentioned that with all the running I've been doing, my pants are getting too loose to wear, but this...this isn't really a solution.""

Option C: "WHY, GOD!? WHY!?

Option D: "You spent $30 on THIS?  Did they include these cheap, wooden flowers so I can beat you over the head?"

Can someone explain the wooden flowers to me?  The actress in the commercial seems dismayed at getting a beautiful, expensive bouquet of flowers, yet the makers of the Hug E Gram think her heart will go all melty at the prospect of a sad little array of free, wooden rosebuds.  And $25?  Really, Hug E Gram?  You expect us to believe those things are worth $25?  Is there money inside them?

There are only a handful of people on this earth that I think would appreciate the gift of the Hug E Gram.

1. My mom, because she would appreciate the excuse to cry, and her cats could use it as a scratching post.

2. Lady Gaga, because she's always on the hunt for new ways to look ridiculous.

3. God, because he's forgiving.


(Thanks to Jenn P. for the Stupid Product idea.  Thanks to Richard C. for having the sense to never, ever consider buying this.)