The Mother Load

Well, I didn't run at 1:00 pm.  A parent-teacher conference and an early out day for my kids moved my run time to later this evening.  I didn't hit the road until after dark, but I got out there and did it.  I still don't have a timer, so I used a trick I taught myself in high school.  In my head, I sang the words to a particularly rousing song I used to sing in church choirs as a teen.  It's about 3 minutes long, so it served the purpose of distracting me for just the right amount of time.

"Let the mountains shout for joy! Let the valleys sing, let the valleys sing, and the hills rejoice! Let them all break forth into song! Let them shout and sing and be glad before the Lord!" And later: "For the wilderness has blossomed, blossomed like a rose.  And the barren desert is a fruitful field. Joy and gladness now are found therein. Thanksgiving and the voice of melody. Thanksgiving and the voice of melody."

It's catchy, no?

There were moments when I wondered if I had really resorted to the song again.  Did I really want to sing about joyful shouts while running?  I did not feel joyful.  I had no desire to break forth into songs of any kind.  Well...maybe, "Nobody knows the troubled I've seen..."

This was a tough run for me.  During my training call yesterday with Michelle from Phazes Fitness, I mentioned that my knees were feeling a bit sore.  I thought it might be related to the fact that I hadn't run in a week.  As the day progressed, they felt worse and worse, as did my shoulders, elbows, and ankles.  By bedtime, I was hurting all over, my muscles refusing to relax, my joints screaming in pain.  A strong pain pill leftover from last year's knee surgery got me through the night.

Today, the pain in most of my body has lessened considerably, but the soreness in my knees persists.  I hope to be back to 100% by tomorrow.

Seems dramatic...Hashimoto's disease, an autoimmune disorder that killed my thyroid in 2005, is my nemesis.  Medication usually keeps things running smoothly, but every now and then, I suddenly feel like I'm back in 2005, struggling to get through each day.  Those days were sometimes excruciating and anxiety ridden.  I felt my body grow weaker and my muscles become more and more unpredictable.  Sometimes, they'd seize up and spasm.  Other times, they'd go numb.  When I couldn't walk from my car to the front door without severe hip and leg pain, I finally dragged myself to the doctor.  Blood tests revealed the worst case of hypothyroidism she'd ever seen.  I sang hallelujah that it wasn't in my head, and happily agreed to a lifetime of thyroid pills in order to feel better. 

When symptoms return, stress and water retention are usually the culprits.  I've not been able to manage my fluid levels, with or without Synthroid, since all of this started.  Michelle mentioned that some people worry about the way their weight fluctuates by a pound a day.  Mine can fluctuate between 5 and 10.  (Interesting side note: One of the reasons I enjoyed drinking Coke was the way its diuretic effects helped regulate my fluid levels.)

So there's my sob story...or my pain story.  I ran anyway.  I didn't make it through the whole run, because my legs started to feel numb after my third run cycle.  My left knee locked up shortly after that.  I started to wonder if this isn't a really dumb idea...to run in spite of this.

And then it hit me.  I run in spite of a lot of things.  I live my life in spite of even more.

What's Hashimoto's disease except one more obstacle in my path?  So, you're an obstacle. Big deal.  I have lots of those.  Hashimoto's, meet my schedule.  Let me introduce you to my rebuilt ACL.  Have you met my fears?  If they haven't stopped me, what makes you think you will?

Running is so much a reflection of my life.  I do so many things that sensible people would never attempt.  I take on challenges that make the average person say, "I can't."  I do this because if I don't, if I live in my can'ts, I'll lose something of who I am...that part of me that's special, the part of me that's destined for greatness.

And then I think of you.  Yes, you.  You're sitting there, hedged in by your can'ts, afraid to step toward those obstacles and do the things you've always wanted to do, and why?  Because sensible people wouldn't do that?  Because you might fail?  Because you think you don't deserve it?

It's all a lie.  I'm no more destined for greatness than any of you.  I'm no more special than anyone.  I just choose not to live in can't.  Sometimes, that means facing things that are hard, but I'm always better for that.  Always.

The words of the song come back to my mind.  "For the wilderness has blossomed, blossomed like a rose. And the barren desert is a fruitful field.  Joy and gladness now are found therein. Thanksgiving and the voice of melody. Thanksgiving and the voice of melody."

When you throw away the lie of "I can't" and start doing things sensible people wouldn't do, you blossom like a rose.  There was not joy and gladness in my heart while I was running tonight, but there is joy and gladness in it now, as I consider the ways in which I've been blessed by this crazy, unconquerable spirit I choose to carry with me every day.

Consider...

I went back to the couch this week.  It was Spring Break (excuse) and I chose not to run.  Call it a relapse.  Call it falling off the wagon.  I prefer to call it falling off the horse, because I plan to get right back on it this week.

How do I feel?

I'm nervous about how you all will feel.  Are you disappointed in me?  Are you understanding?  Do you want to kick my butt?  Do you want to give up on me because you think I'm giving up on me?

I'm nervous to talk to Michelle today.  Nervous that she'll really give it to me.  Nervous that she won't.

I'm hopeful, too.  I've learned a few things this week, and I plan to use those to get me back on track.  I learned that I've been leaning too much on Richard.  When he's too tired to go out with me, I don't run.  I'm going to have to find the motivation within myself or this will never work.

I learned that there's no way to do everything I need to do every day (wife, mom, student, coder, copyeditor, blogger, freelance writer, erstwhile runner) without a schedule.  I made a schedule for my weeks this morning.  It's incredibly tight, but it's doable. 

I learned that I still want to run.  Even having taken a week off, I still want to run.  The fact is, I missed it.  Crazy, huh?  I like how proud of myself I feel when I finish a run.  I didn't get to feel that this week.

Don't get me wrong. I did a lot this week.  I didn't spend my break relaxing and doing nothing.  I worked hard on writing and household project.  I'm proud of that, too.

So, there you go.  I'll go out tomorrow at 1:00 pm, just me and the road, and I'll see what I can do.  I'll shoot for 5 minute runs, but I'll be happy to move as much as I can.  I have just over a month until the big race, which I realize is still plenty of time to get from the pace I've done so far to the pace I need to do to be ready.

I plan to be ready.

Saturday was another challenging day in running land, BUT I achieved three minutes.  I have one more run, which I'll do on Today, to master that time before I bump up to five minute runs.  I can't even imagine five minutes at this point.  I keep trying to remind myself that I used to have a hard time running thirty seconds.  Those days seem so long ago.

I didn't buy the beeping kitchen timer I want to buy.  Who has time to go to the store?  Instead, I held my cell phone and watched for the time to change, then did my two minute walks and three minute runs based on that clock. 

You don't know desperation until you're silently begging a cell phone to make time move faster.

I should say that Saturday was an emotional one for me, made even more emotional by the fact that I didn't know which emotions to feel.  Limbo...such a fun party game...such a crazy-making emotional state.

Signs of pregnancy had me wondering if I was one of the lucky one percent who manage to conceive after a tubal ligation.  With my fertile history, it's certainly not impossible.  I've found myself torn between hope and fear all week.  While a new baby wouldn't be unwelcome, I had the procedure to end my childbearing days for a reason.  My body gave its all to my five, and complications with my youngest told me it was time to be done.  Add to that the fact that I had an endometrial ablation along with the tubal, and you're looking at a pregnancy that is almost sure to end in miscarriage, or continue with major, possibly life threatening complications.

So yeah...running wasn't the only thing on the brain, but I did it.  I only managed 15 minutes of my workout before telling Richard I was done and then wiping away frustrated tears from my eyes.  It was all just too much.  He put his arm around me and reminded me he loved me, and we walked home together, hoping for some kind of answer soon.  (See my Sunday What I Learned Today post for an update.)

My weight loss is up to 10 pounds now.  While this isn't the reason I'm running, I have to admit that it gives me a boost and makes me want to keep at it.  I've also started changing the way I eat.  They're just subtle changes here and there, but they're effective ones.  Thinking I might be pregnant caused me to start eating like a pregnant woman, just in case.  I lost weight with each of my pregnancies (substantial weight) because I started eating small meals throughout the day to ward off any morning sickness.  I've decided to keep that going, and I think I'll see great results.

I'm actually looking forward to today's run. How weird is that?  I think I'm happy to only have to run three minutes.  My last hoorah before the five minute craziness.  Good times. :)

Last night's run was harder than I'm used to.  Perhaps it was a combination of things.  I only ran once last week, and it seems my body is all too happy to revert back to schlub status.  I was up until 2 am the night before last, and that's added to the mind numbing stupidity of Daylight Savings.  I might also have been carrying around a little of last week's discouragement over my run times, too.

I didn't make it three minutes, and I got angry at myself over it.  I had Richard time me, and I only ran just over 2 minutes during my best run cycles.  I ended my run feeling spent and frustrated.  I've decided I'll buy a small kitchen timer so I can easily keep track of my time from now on.  (And because it would be hard to run with my oven on my back.)

My training call with Michelle gave me a little bit of hope.  She told me the 3 minute point is where most people struggle.  I wonder if a lot of people give up.  It was nice hearing that what I felt last night is normal and that future time increases should be a little easier.

I'm putting this challenge into perspective today.  I think I'm the kind of person who needs a regular challenge in her life.  For awhile, it was natural childbirth.  Once I determined that I was done, it became long distance, endurance hiking.  Today, it's the Couch to 5K.

What I'm trying to remind myself is that during every labor and birth and during each tough hike, I've always gotten to this point.  There is always that moment when I feel frustrated and angry and don't think I can do it anymore.  When I was apprenticing to become a midwife, I saw the same thing happen with most of the mothers we assisted.  At some point, you stop fighting and surrender to the experience, no matter how hard or painful or scary, and that's when peace steps in and things really start to work.

I don't know if I'm ready to stop fighting it, but I'm aware of what's going on.  That's enough for now.

I ran once this week.  Once.  I'm full of excuses for it.  I'm also choosing to be kind to myself and be reasonable about the kind of week I've had.  I started 3 new jobs this week: coding for a data analysis firm, writing for Examiner.com, and copyediting for a publisher.  All of these jobs are part time.  None of them will take as much time as they did this week.  Starting meant training and reading and learning much of what I need to know to do them.  It was not a normal week.

Of course, I did that in addition to the writing I'm doing for Mahalo.com and my blogs, continuing my full time studies at the University of Utah, and spending significantly more time with my family (which I won't trade for anything.)

Is that an excuse?  Maybe.  I'll tell Michelle to let me have it during our training call today if she feels so inclined.  I hope she does and I hope she doesn't.

I'm considering a new mantra.  I thought about it during my one and only run this week when Richard mentioned I've increased my speed so much that my counting is again off; only this time, I'm finishing my run cycles too early instead of running too long.  I had a moment of discouragement, picked myself back up, and ran again.

In the end, I decided it's not that big a deal what the timer says.  Well, it is and it isn't.  I do need to pick up the pace and lengthen my runs each week, and I will use my running plan from Phazes as my guide.  However, I'm borrowing a phrase from Alcoholics Anonymous as I do this: Progress, not perfection.

If I strive for all perfect weeks, I'm doomed to fail at this endeavor.  If I take it one day at a time, I will succeed.  I'm running longer than I was when I started.  That's progress.  I'm running faster than I did when I started.  That's progress.  I haven't admitted defeat and gone back to my sedentary life despite how much I don't like to run.  THAT'S PROGRESS!

So, there you go.  I won't promise to be perfect this week, but I will make progress.  My goal is to run the full three times, and I'll repeat the 3 minutes I was supposed to do last week.  It will take an extreme amount of time management on my part, but I'm willing to do that.

Oh...and I've lost 8 pounds.  Just...fyi.  *wink*

I'm overwhelmed.  I got an email from Michelle at Phazes Fitness a few minutes ago in which she mentioned that one of her clients is starting a Couch to 5K program because she's been following my progress here.  Are these tears in my eyes?  What's up with THAT?

Okay, I'll admit that I'm premenstrual, so I'd probably cry over a brown banana, but still.  I'm overwhelmed with feelings of pride and excitement for this person and for myself.  My running helped someone make the decision to run, and my immediate reaction is not to console her but to celebrate with her.  To quote a silly movie we saw at the dollar theater last night: "The times...they are a-diff-er-ent!"

I haven't run yet today, but I'm very ready to take on the pavement and own the road.  I'm going to be repeating my 2 minute runs since I did so poorly last week.  It's great to have grace weeks like these.  I'm doing an 8 week program, but I've had 13+ weeks to do it.  I don't know if that was excellent planning or dumb luck.  I'm leaning toward luck.

Race for the Cure Salt Lake is getting closer, so it's time to start thinking about raising money.  I've got a few ideas knocking around inside my head.  It's also time to really start assembling my team.  I have a few people pledging to run with me up here, and it looks like a good Southern Utah group is forming to travel up and run.  I'm looking at my backyard and imagining the BEST BARBECUE EVER happening there after the race.

For those of you not able to run in Utah, find a race near you and run with Team Mother Load.  I've decided (can't remember if I've mentioned it here) that I'll keep running after the Salt Lake race and prepare for one at another location in October.  Maybe it will be your race!  (Seriously...can I stay at your house?)  Charlotte, NC and Wichita Falls, TX look appealing, since I have family nearby, but I'm really open to anything. 

Are you on Team Mother Load yet?  If you are, let me know!  If you aren't, why not?  If I can do it, and I'm SO DOING IT, you can too!

This week was a rough one for my stress level and I allowed that to become my excuse.  I didn't run until Friday night.  I kept putting it off until there was no way for me to run the three days I was supposed to.  I nearly went to bed instead of running Friday, then saw that Richard had fallen asleep fully dressed in anticipation of going out there with me.  My heart filled up with gratitude for this man who is willing to trade sleep to help me reach my goal.  I woke him and asked if he was still willing to get up so I could run and got an enthusiastic affirmative. I didn't even start until after 1 am and had to be up at 6 for work, but it was well worth it.

I think I run better when Richard's with me.  Something about his presence makes it easier, almost fun.  He tells me he's proud of me, how much he loves watching me run, how good I look doing it.  Hmmmm...I guess it's not too hard to see why I like that!  I like making him proud.  I always want to make him proud.

I'm proud of myself too.  I told Richard at the end of Friday night's run that I still feel like an impostor when I'm doing it.  I had an aha moment.  I remembered carrying my large sketch paper to art class and feeling like an impostor because I wasn't an artist.  And yet, I was sketching stuff like this:





Maybe I'm not such an impostor after all.  Maybe I'm just as much a runner as I am an artist and the word impostor is just a crutch I don't need anymore.

During my run Friday night I noticed I'm standing straighter.  I lead into the run with my core muscles.  I like the way the wind feels when I throw out my chest and just go for it.  My time is 20 minutes again, and I could have run more.  That's new. :)

I have plans to run again tonight, and I'm actually looking forward to it.  It's kind of surreal, the way the dread has changed into excitement.  I still don't love running, but I'm open to the possibility...

Before I start today's post, I want to let all my readers in on a promotion Phazes Fitness is working on for the rest of February.  They made a goal to get 15 new clients by the end of the month. At this writing, they still have 12 to go. Remote clients count too.  The best part? If you refer a friend, you get a month of free training!  I can't recommend Michelle and her crew highly enough.  At $20 a month for remote training, anyone can afford to meet their fitness goals, even a non-runner like me.  In addition to the remote training, Phazes also offers group personal training, dance and stretch classes, and intensive bootcamps for the locals.  Get on the phone and sign up this week.  Tell them The Mother Load sent you, and I'll throw in 10 entries in your name for my next giveaway.

Okay, on to the running.

I went out alone in the dark at nearly one in the morning to get my third run in for the week.  This run was hard won.  I'd spent the preceding few hours getting bad news from my health insurance company (Obama's plan is looking better and better), continuing my job search, and writing a pretty emotional Divorce and Metamorphosis post on Sarah...Phenomenally.  I was spent.

I ran anyway.

As someone who spends much of her time spent, either physically or emotionally, this was a pretty big deal.  I realized that trying to opt out of my run because it was late and I was tired was just one more excuse to hide behind.  Considering I'll be writing the Divorce and Metamorphosis posts regularly until the entire story is told, I might as well get used to running despite the emotion.  I also realized that after a night like tonight, there's no better way to renew and heal than getting outside and getting my heart pumping.

The run was uneventful.  No zombie attacks or sparkly vampires to contend with.  I had one moment of nervousness remembering the trailer for The Lovely Bones and wondering what the heck I was thinking.  I promise running late and alone is not something I'm going to make a habit.  However, I'm also glad I did it.

It's hard to believe I've been on this journey for a month now.  Hard and good.  I tried something new tonight with regards to the way I count my seconds.  The last time I ran, Richard was with me and he mentioned that my 90 second run/walk cycles seemed longer than 90 seconds to him.  I made a conscious effort to pace my counting by actual seconds and not by footfalls or breaths.  It turns out I was probably running nearly double what I needed to going by footfalls and at least a half more time by breaths.  It was AMAZING how easily I ran a real minute and a half.  I'm not nearly as nervous to bump up to the next level this week, knowing I've probably already been there.

Until then...

My life, it is a-changing, one run at a time.

I really mean life.  My legs are changing. My gait is changing.  My body is changing...kinda.  But the biggest changes are in my life.  And it's all because I'm running.

It's really interesting to see how each running step has begun to shape a new path for me.  It all started at the Dani Johnson seminar in Denver.  I came home from that event with great plans for my blog, many of which I have implemented to great success.  One of those plans was Team Mother Load, a project to mobilize my fans into doing something good for the world.

So, I called Michelle at Phazes Fitness about setting up some remote personal training.  She told me to stop drinking soda, and I obeyed.  Within two weeks, it was painfully evident that the breakneck pace of my life depended entirely on the amount of caffeine I was consuming daily.  Without the caffeine, my body said, "No more.  Slow down.  Rest.  Let something go."

So, it was time to decide.  Do I slow down or take a break from school?  Do I give up the blogs?  Do I quit my job and find something less stressful.  The answer was fast and undeniable.  School is my future.  The blogs are my future.  The job has to go.

I put in my notice Monday and had an interview for something with fewer hours and less stress today.  I won't know anything about this new possibility until next week.  Meanwhile, I'm continuing to hunt, just in case, and I'm not considering anything that will take me away from my family as much as my current job has.

Can we afford it?  Maybe not.  Can I afford to keep breaking my neck doing too much? Definitely not.  We'll make it work.  I know we will.

Isn't it amazing what running can do?

I had a great conversation with Michelle yesterday about the direction I'm taking in my running and in my life.  When your trainer is one of your best friends, these talks have a tendency to do that.

I went out for my "make up" run yesterday and immediately knew it was not a good idea.  My running schedule is set up so I can have at least a day of recovery between runs, and here I was planning to run three days in a row.  My legs spoke to me right off the bat and said, "Sarah, you're being stupid."  The difference between the me of a few weeks ago and the me now is that I listened.

It feels good to listen to my body.  I used to do that more...used to be great at it.  It's nice to get back to center in this way.

*INTENSE CHANGE ALERT* I'm starting to say things that make it seem like I like running.  Back in your box, running desire!  You're not welcome here until at least week 7!  I am not a runner. Do you hear me?

Whew!  That was a close one.  No, I still don't like running.  I do like the results.  It's like Nyquil in that way.  It takes me at least 10 minutes to work myself up to ingesting that stuff, but it's sure nice to sleep without coughing.  Running=Nyquil.  Let's keep that straight, okay?

My run this morning was pretty good.  I'm up to 90 seconds running and 90 seconds walking.  Still no ankle pain today.  I think they're fully on board with this whole 5K thing.

I did have some moments of whiny complaint during todays run.  Those happened at about the 70 second point of each run cycle.  I whined to myself that this is hard, not fun, annoying, etc.  I decided to think about chemotherapy, radiation, mastectomy, reconstructive surgery... The whining stops really quickly when I think about what breast cancer survivors do just to stay alive.

I look forward to getting out on the road again on Thursday, maybe with less belly-aching. 

In the spirit of my "No excuses/Follow directions" mantra, I will not tell you why I only ran twice this week.  I will, however, tell you I'll be running tomorrow, an off day, to make up the day I missed on Thursday.  I have a great story that would "explain" why I ran Tuesday and not again until tonight, but a great story is nothing more than an excuse, and I'm done with those.

I got back from this week's second run about 20 minutes ago, and I'm flushed with the excitement of success.  No ankle pain, people. NO ANKLE PAIN!

Because I didn't get out until after 10 pm, I took the hubster along for protection.  He gets scared easily, and I have some basic self defense training, so I'm good at protecting him.  I kid.  I don't think either of us could do much against a determined adversary, but I do know that a woman reduces her risk of being attacked by 90% just by bringing along a second person.  (Also, zombies prefer lone women, as seen in my bloodsucking baby column.)

On my second run of week two, I made a command decision and stopped running at Liberty Park in favor of runs around my own neighborhood.  Folks, if you're trying to start running, the best advice this non-runner can give is to skip the track and run close to home.  I am amazed at the difference it's made.  No longer do I feel like I'm running for the sake of running, something that makes me want to throw myself in front of traffic.  When I run on the roads around my home, I'm going somewhere!  I'm running at first because I need to get my minutes in, but once I'm halfway through my time, I get to RUN HOME!  And boy, do I ever run then.

My first run in the neighborhood brought out a little more ego consciousness than I thought was there.  What if someone I know sees me?  They know I'm not a runner.  What will they think?  I sucked it up and ran anyway.  The only person I passed did happen to be someone I knew, but he's legally blind, so I felt okay about it.

Worrying someone I attend church with would see me run paled in comparison to running in front of my husband, though.  I was sure to prepare him for the experience.  "You're not even going to have to walk fast.  I'm really slow.  And I breathe like I'm dying.  It's probably going to be really annoying."  He assured me that he wasn't worried about any of that. 

I'm shocked to say that none of it turned out to be true.  Not only did I outpace him during my minute-long jogs, but I did so well and (gasp!) happily.  I'd run on ahead of him for 20 or 30 seconds, then turn around, a goofy grin on my face, and run back.  I don't think I've ever in my life cracked a smile while running.  This is a big development.  Huge.

While I did breathe heavily, it wasn't nearly as labored as it has been in the past.  My body definitely seems to be adjusting to the new activity level, and I'm liking the progress I'm making.  I also have to say that I've never felt more proud of myself than I did tonight, showing the man I love how far I've come.

A couple of thoughts in closing:

-If you want to start running and haven't in awhile, I can't recommend a Couch to 5K program highly enough.  I'm getting through this because I'm taking it slowly.  In the past, I've pushed myself too hard and have given up quickly due to disappointment.  This time, it's incredibly different.

-I couldn't do this without the help of my trainer, Michelle with Phazes Fitness.  Her training calls and emails have saved my ankles.  Her motivation keeps me going, and it keeps me honest.  Just know she's keeping tabs makes me try harder.  If you're thinking of starting a workout program and need someone to monitor your progress, help you make and keep goals, and challenge you along the path to fitness, the Remote Personal Training program at Phazes is a wonderful, affordable option!

Accountability time: I only ran twice last week. I posted last Tuesday and ran again on Thursday (to great results). The weekend found me completely out of energy. Rather than go running, which would have corrected that problem, I succumbed to excuse making and stayed home.

Sunday night, I did some soul searching and am now in the process of simplifying what I can. The blog is staying. Feel free to cheer with delight or sob in relief.

Today was the day I ramped things up and started running for 1 minute and walking for 1 minute. I'm still restricted to 15 minutes total as my ankles continue to improve. I look at 1 minute/1 minute and it seems like such a small thing. Not for non-runner Sarah.

I think each step up my incremental couch to 5K journey will be the same. I started with the 1 minute walk, counting the seconds until I would have to commit myself to a full 60 seconds of running. Once I got into the 50s, I experienced the same feeling of terror I feel when a roller coaster car is almost to top of its dizzying incline and will be descending in mere seconds.

What am I doing here? Why am I doing this? Am I CRAZY?!

I'm happy to report that the minute wasn't nearly as hard as I thought it would be.  In fact, it was only my last minute run that was even a little bit challenging.  I'm huffing and puffing, sure.  My muscles are burning, sure.  But it doesn't feel impossible anymore.

I thought I'd wrap up the week with a few thoughts about where I'm at.  The kids are hungry, but arguing over tonight's video is keeping them busy enough not to realize I'm not upstairs cooking dinner yet.  Yay for arguing!  (Never thought I'd say that.)

After one week of running, I'm still feeling like this goal may be bigger than me, but I see myself growing to keep pace with it.  To be honest, I'm amazed at what I've done.  I know running 30 seconds and walking 30 seconds for 20 minutes isn't much, but for me, it's more than I thought I could do.  I'm nervous and hopeful about my run on Tuesday, when I'll be bumping it up to a minute of running and a minute of walking.

Every time running day comes near, I start to think of all the reasons to not do this.  I know what they really are, though.  Excuses.  I choose not to make excuses that will rescue me from doing something amazing.  How silly it would be to do otherwise.

I've been wanting to write down a list of my obstacles and my blessings in the endeavor, to give honor to both and move forward realistically and knowledgeably. 

Obstacles
- Fatigue.  Getting home from work at midnight, blogging til one, and then jumping out of bed at 7 to run isn't fun.  I will run anyway.
- My ankles.  I'm working on the shoe situation.  I learned the hard way on Saturday that the soft running track with the wood chips is harder on my ankles than pavement, so I'm going back to pavement on Tuesday.  Really, I'm in the market for better shoes.  I will run anyway.
- My diet.  This needs to change. I'm working on it.  I will run anyway.
- 33 years of the false belief that I can't run.  I will run anyway.
- Fear.  I'm afraid of injury.  I'm afraid of failure.  I'm afraid of success.  I will run anyway.
- My weight.  My cushion...my protection...my shield...me.  I like who I am, and I fear that changing this body is to say I don't love this body.  I love this body.  I honor this body.  Running may change this body.  I will run anyway.

Blessings
- Phazes Fitness.  There's no way around it.  I could not do this without them.  My training calls are motivating, informative, and exactly what I need to keep going and succeed.  I will run because I have received this blessing.
- My family.  "You going running, mom?"  This motivates me.  I'm a running mom...a mom who is doing something good and healthy, and my kids are seeing it.  They cheer me on and inspire me to keep going.  "You're so awesome, love."  This motivates me.  My husband is my best friend, my greatest supporter, my loudest cheerleader.  I will run because I have received this blessing.
- My faith.  Don't think for a minute that I do this without prayer.  Once I hit the 17 minute mark, I pray with every footfall.  My Father in Heaven answers, and I find the strength to keep running.  I will run because I have received this blessing.
- My readers.  You're out there with me every time, and I thank you for it.  You provide support, accountability, and cheers.  Some of you are running with me, preparing to build your own teams to run as part of the Team Mother Load super team.  You inspire me with your stories and encourage me with your belief in what I'm doing.  I will run because I have received this blessing.
- Life, legs, opportunity.  Watching the news reports from Haiti over the last two weeks has reminded me of just how much I have.  There is no more room for whining in my life.  I will run because I have received this blessing.
- My friend, Heidi.  She is a breast cancer survivor and someone I admire more than I think she will ever know.  I am not facing biopsies, mastectomy, chemo, or reconstructive surgery and all the pain that goes with all of that.  I am getting off my fat butt to run a few times a week.  I do it in honor of Heidi who is stronger than I.  It's all I have to offer and I hope it's enough.  I will run because I have received this blessing.

It's getting kind of deep in here.  Also, the kids have stopped arguing and have realized I'm in my room instead of the kitchen.  Until next time...

A conversation between body parts, January 28, 2010.

Ankles: Ouch!  This hurts!  What is up?  Hey abs!  I thought we realized last time that if you guys tighten up, we ankles don't hurt so much.  What gives?
Abs: Sorry, ankles.  No can do today.  Stomach's still reeling from that late night trip to Denny's with Richard last night.
Stomach: Blaaaaarg.
Ankles: DENNY'S?!  She's training for a 5K and she goes to DENNY'S?!  What did she eat?
Stomach: Buuuuuuuhhhh hot wings and zesty nachos.
Ankles: Stomach! What were you thinking?
Stomach: Gaaaaah, don't blame me.  Mouth was more involved than I was.
Ankles: Mouth!  Explain yourself!
Mouth:  Oh, it was good. It was so very, very good.
Ankles: It figures.

Sarah: So today I learned that I should not eat a plateful of junk the night before a running day.
Ankles: That was TWO plates full, and you shouldn't eat it any day.  Are you trying to kill us?

Sarah: So today I learned that I should not eat junk.
Ankles: Yeah, and if you don't stop, so help us, we'll quit on you.  We MEAN it!
Sarah: No more junk as long as I'm training.  I promise.
Ankles: Not good enough.
Mouth: Give her a break.  Everyone needs to splurge every now and then...or every day...several times a day.
Ankles: Mouth, stay out of this.  You got us in this mess in the first place.
Sarah: How 'bout no more junk except for on special occasions not to exceed twice a month?
Ankles: It's not great, but it's probably more than you can handle anyway.  We'll take it.
Sarah:  Thanks.  Really, I'll do it.
Ankles: Yeah, yeah. 
Sarah: I love you.
Ankles: Don't push your luck.

I'm back from my second attempt at running, having learned a bit from the first time out.  Saturday morning found me desperately wanting to give myself the out my trainer gave me and only run 10 minutes.  However, I knew if I didn't manage 20 minutes the first time, it would just be staring me in the face the second.  I made it through by the sheer force of my will, and a little help from God and the Winder Dairy man.  (I was trying to use a couple of slow walkers in front of me as an excuse to quit early. A Winder Dairy truck pulled up with a sign that said, "Free Samples," and the slow walkers were history.)

What I learned on my first walk/run is that my ankles don't like running, me, or life in general.  I powered through some pain and then shared my experience with my trainer during my weekly call yesterday.  She recommended going to a specialty store for actual running shoes and letting the sales associate take a look at my gait and find shoes that would correct it.  She also told me to pay attention to the way I was running and to learn a little bit about how to run correctly.

Since that call happened prior to my 8 hour workday, I didn't have time to beg Richard for shoe money or hit up any specialty stores before my run this morning, so I settled for a late night trip to Wal Mart for some gel insoles and ankle wraps.  I found the insoles below, which seemed PERFECT for running.



Unfortunately for me and any other female, Wal Mart only carries these in the male variety.  Because, you know...girls don't play sports.  Boo.  I grabbed a pair of the non-sport insoles and began writing a disgruntled letter in my mind.

This morning, I strapped on the wraps and stepped into my newly gel-enhanced sneakers and felt ready to run with less pain.  I opened the door to this:



I really need a treadmill.

I'm happy to say that I had less ankle pain today, though there was still some present.  I took Michelle's advice and paid attention to the way I walked and ran and found that my ankles bow outward at the end of each step.  When I asked my ankles for clarification on why they choose to do this, they said, "Hello!  We haven't gotten any bigger.  YOU have!"  Like a rickety table bowing under the weight of an outlandish Thanksgiving spread, my ankles are bearing the brunt of a fat woman who never considered how this weight might be affecting them.  Sorry, ankles.  I'll work on that.

The good news is that after experimenting a bit, I found that tightening my abs and standing up taller completely corrected the ankle problem.  I can either spend my in between days working on my core with pilates, or I can strap on a girdle while I run.  Though girdle is one of my favorite words (Just look at it!  Doesn't it give you the giggles?), I think I'd rather tone my muscles the hard way.

Ready or not (mostly not), here I come. Today is the day my training begins. I have until May 8 to become a runner. I don't know if I can do this.

My task today is to spend 50% of my 20 minute workout running and 50% walking. My Phazes Fitness trainer, having written down my lack o' health information ("Yeah...you're at level 3 obesity. That's really bad."), has encouraged me to take this run 30 seconds at a time. Run for 30 seconds and then walk for 30 seconds. If I can't make it to 20 minutes, I can shoot for 10.

Feelings check:  I'm overwhelmed and overcome by this goal.  It feels bigger than me.  I hear a voice in my head that says, "How do you eat an elephant?"  I know the answer the voice wants is "One bite at a time."  The only real response I have is, "Why would anyone want to eat an elephant?"

What I'm keeping in mind...what keeps me from turning tail and pretending I never made a 5K goal is the fact that this isn't for me.  I will not run for myself.  I will run for breast cancer research and awareness. The Salt Lake City Race for the Cure is May 8 this year, so I have until May 8 to train, prepare, and transform.  I hope it's enough time.  The people at Phazes think it is.

I know I can do this alone, but I am asking all of my readers and fans to not make me do this alone.  This is your notice.  I want you to race with me.  I already have readers ready and willing, but I want you (yes, YOU) to race with me too.  Whether you've run 20 marathons or you're like me, chubby, flabby, and terrified, I need to hear the echo of your feet against pavement to help me as I hear the echo of my own.

Today, I announce the creation of Team Mother Load.  Team Mother Load will be one enormous team of readers and fans made of up of smaller, local teams to run in Race for the Cure events.  If you're ready to make a difference in your life and in the life of someone else, please find a race in your area, spread the word, gather a team, and start training!  Report the names of your Team Mother Load members to me and share your obstacles, training tips, and triumphs.  If you want to run individually as part of Team Mother Load, that's okay too.  If you have a medical reason you can't run, or you can't find a race near you, support the Team Mother Load runners closest to you with your donations and pledges and find runners to run in your place.

For anyone worried they don't have the drive or motivation or know-how necessary to prepare for a 5K, I offer Phazes Fitness as the solution.  Their Remote Personal Training program is surprisingly inexpensive.  No matter where you live, you can take advantage of this service.  I haven't even started running, and I've already dropped a couple of pounds from following my trainer's advice to quit soda.  My mantra in this endeavor is "No excuses/Follow directions," so she could tell me to quit eating chocolate, and I would.  (Don't tell her that, okay?)

If you don't think you can fit race training into a busy life, I submit my life for your consideration.  I am a mother of five who works 40 hours a week and is enrolled in 4 classes at the University of Utah (with an A average).  I work 10+ hours a week on this blog and have two jobs at church.  If I can do it, you can do it.

So, what do you say?  Are you ready to do some good in the world?  Are you ready to get out of your comfort zone and make a change?  Join Team Mother Load now and get out there and run!