The Mother Load

Last night, two of my loverly children got into a fight over whether or not they were each doing their chores to the best of their ability.  It went something like this:

Child 1: You're not done, you know.
Child 4: Neither are you!
Child 1: You can put more dishes in there.
Child 4: You haven't washed the counter!
Child 1: Are you going to put more dishes in there?
Child 4: You're not the chore manager! Stop telling me how to do my chore and just do yours!
Child 1: Mom, ____ isn't doing her chore right.
Me: Why don't you both focus on your own chores and not worry about the other person's?
Child 1: (ignoring this) You need to put more dishes in before you start it!
Child 4: YOU'RE NOT THE CHORE MANAGER! LEAVE ME ALONE!
Child 1: YOU'RE NOT DOING IT RIGHT, SO I'M HELPING YOU!
Child 4: STOP HELPING ME! ______, STOP HELPING ME! PUT THOSE DISHES DOWN! THAT'S MY CHORE! MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

This goes on pretty much every day.  Child 1 is just about always involved because, being Child 1, he thinks it's his personal mission to make sure children 2-5 do what they're supposed to do.  Children 2-5 think he's being a big jerk when he does this, and they usually let him know...loudly...in shrill voices...often in unison.

Usually, this only occurs after 4 o'clock, before which I've had a quiet day of at home work interrupted only by the sweet meows of fluffy friends who cuddle and don't talk back.  As you're probably aware, "usually" only applies during the school year, and right now, it's June, so this stuff is going on all...day...long. Or, as I like to describe it to my longsuffering spouse when I pick him up from the train station: "ALLDAYLONG!"

And it's only June.

Full disclosure (since my neighbors will likely rat me out if I don't disclose): Children 3-5 are actually still in school all day.  Their year round schedule will only give them a 3 week break in July.  However, one should never underestimate the amount of fighting Child 1 and Child 2 can do in the course of one day.  The other three make up for their absence by doubling down on the weekend fighting.  In July, the house will probably explode...more than once.

It's times like these, you just have to sing...loudly...in a shrill voice...solo.

(Sung to the tune of "Summertime" by George Gershwin)

Summertime,
And the livin' is crazy.
Kids are fightin'
And the volume is high.
Oh, their stepdad works
Far away in the city
But hush, frazzled Mommy,
Don't you cry.

One of these mornings,
You're gonna wake up smiling
They'll be back in school
And it won't be so bad.
Until that mornin'
Keep that Netflix runnin'
So you can keep yourself from
Goin' mad.

(I'd like the record to show that Child 2 snickered when I sang this to her. I'm not sharing it with Child 1. He'd just tell me I did it wrong and then try to write it himself.)

Sung to the tune of "Oh, What a Beautiful Morning" from Oklahoma!

Dreaming of beautiful flooooring!
I'm gonna have some someday.
Today I'm ripping up caaaaaarpet!
Everyone out of my waaaa-aaaaay!
Oh, what a beautiful day!

There's a bright, golden haze in my front rooooom!
There's a bright, golden haze in my front rooooom!
It comes from the carpet that's covering the flooooor!
But gold carpet, I tell you, your days are no mooooore!

Dreaming of beautiful flooooring!
No more gold carpet for meeeee!
I'm gonna salvage that woooood flooooor!
Oh, what a great floor you'll beeee-eeee!
Everyone just wait and seeeee!

All the children are begging to help me.
All the children are begging to help me.
"We don't like our toys,
And we love to destroooooooyyyy!
To rip up the carpet would bring us such jooooooyyyy!"

Dreaming of beautiful flooooring!
Family projects are so fun!
My kids are going to work now.
We'll work until the job's doooo-oooone!
Yes, as a mom, I've just WON!

You know you have a slow computer when you sit down to write a column that usually takes about two hours, and two of your kids leave for college before you're finally done with it.

My computer is so slow, I can clean half of the family room while waiting for a page to load. My computer is so slow, I've started using my cell phone exclusively for email, Facebook, and youtube. My computer is so slow, DHL just hired it. (Oh, snap!)

The annoying thing about my slow computer is that it isn't old, cheap, or suffering from a dialup internet connection. Everything that should allow for lightning-speed connections is in place, and yet here I sit...and wait...and clean...and wait. Every now and then, I reboot in the hopes that this will somehow magically fix the slow computer problem. Alas...it just creates more wait time.

It wouldn't be a problem if so much of my life weren't dependent on my computer. Dependency leads to depression, and depression is best expressed through chocolate and music. Since I'm out of chocolate (how is this possible?), I guess it's time to sing the blues.

I'm trying to write a column, (Doo-doo-doo-doo!)
And do some homework for class. (Doo-doo-doo-doo!)
I've been stuck here for hours. (Doo-doo-doo-doo!)
There's no chance that I will pass.
I've got the slow computer bluuuues. (Harmonica)
My computer just crashed.
Won't somebody come and fix it?
Before I throw this slow computer in the trash.

Got a paper due Friday. (Doo-doo-doo-doo!)
Got four finals next week. (Doo-doo-doo-doo!)
Gotta work on my blog posts. (Doo-doo-doo-doo!)
Now my future's lookin' bleak!
I've got the slow computer bluuuuues,
And they're just getting worse.
Won't somebody come and help me
This slow computer is a curse!

At night I dream of a laptop (Doo-doo-doo-doo!)
I can use anywhere. (Doo-doo-doo-doo!)
But for now I'm a prisoner (Doo-doo-doo-doo!)
Of my *&@&@* computer chair.
I've the got the slow computer bluuuuuues.
Just can't take it anymore.
I'd replace it in a second
If I weren't so dang poor!

Now I've finished the column... (Doo-doo-doo-doo!)
Only took me all day. (Doo-doo-doo-doo!)
Waiting for every page load (Doo-doo-doo-doo!)
Made me want to run away.
I've got the slow computer bluuuuues
Did I mention it's slow?
My computer is so slow now
Let me tell you, it's slow!

I've got the so ridiculously slow it's driving me insane I'll probably kill people from a clocktower and end up on the news soon slow-ow-ow-ow computer BLUUUUUUUUES!

Published November 4, 2007
St. George Spectrum & Daily News

It's the aftermath of Halloween at my house, and all I can really offer you is a little ditty that keeps swimming around in my exhausted head. It's sung, ironically, to the tune of "The Sound of Silence." (Apologies to Simon and Garfunkel.)

Hello, column, my old friend,
I've come to write you once again.
We just got back from trick-or-treating.
The kids and I, we had a meeting,
And I asked them to go to bed for goodness' sake...
They're still awake.
Looks like it's Haaaaaaaalloween.

All through the eve we walked along
Among the brightly costumed throng.
It's such a shame that I'm so tired,
Because my children are all wired,
And their bedtime has been pre-empted by
The sugar high.
Oh yes, it's Haaaaaaaalloween.

And on my front room floor I saw
Ten thousand candies, maybe more.
Children eating without chewing.
Self control, they're all eschewing.
And my youngest told the rest he wouldn't share.
They didn't care.
Just one more Haaaaaaalloween.
"Kids," said I, "it's time to rest.
I need you all to clean this mess
Tomorrow I have a long workday
To cover all the bills I must pay."
But my words like silent dewdrops fell.
They said, "Oh well...
Come on, it's Haaaaaaalloween."

So, then I took a mighty breath
And very sweetly threatened death,
And then my words rang out a warning.
The treats would disappear by morning,
And all candy would be on the off-limits list
And sorely missed
Until next Haaaaaaaaloween.