The Mother Load

You know you have a slow computer when you sit down to write a column that usually takes about two hours, and two of your kids leave for college before you're finally done with it.

My computer is so slow, I can clean half of the family room while waiting for a page to load. My computer is so slow, I've started using my cell phone exclusively for email, Facebook, and youtube. My computer is so slow, DHL just hired it. (Oh, snap!)

The annoying thing about my slow computer is that it isn't old, cheap, or suffering from a dialup internet connection. Everything that should allow for lightning-speed connections is in place, and yet here I sit...and wait...and clean...and wait. Every now and then, I reboot in the hopes that this will somehow magically fix the slow computer problem. Alas...it just creates more wait time.

It wouldn't be a problem if so much of my life weren't dependent on my computer. Dependency leads to depression, and depression is best expressed through chocolate and music. Since I'm out of chocolate (how is this possible?), I guess it's time to sing the blues.

I'm trying to write a column, (Doo-doo-doo-doo!)
And do some homework for class. (Doo-doo-doo-doo!)
I've been stuck here for hours. (Doo-doo-doo-doo!)
There's no chance that I will pass.
I've got the slow computer bluuuues. (Harmonica)
My computer just crashed.
Won't somebody come and fix it?
Before I throw this slow computer in the trash.

Got a paper due Friday. (Doo-doo-doo-doo!)
Got four finals next week. (Doo-doo-doo-doo!)
Gotta work on my blog posts. (Doo-doo-doo-doo!)
Now my future's lookin' bleak!
I've got the slow computer bluuuuues,
And they're just getting worse.
Won't somebody come and help me
This slow computer is a curse!

At night I dream of a laptop (Doo-doo-doo-doo!)
I can use anywhere. (Doo-doo-doo-doo!)
But for now I'm a prisoner (Doo-doo-doo-doo!)
Of my *&@&@* computer chair.
I've the got the slow computer bluuuuuues.
Just can't take it anymore.
I'd replace it in a second
If I weren't so dang poor!

Now I've finished the column... (Doo-doo-doo-doo!)
Only took me all day. (Doo-doo-doo-doo!)
Waiting for every page load (Doo-doo-doo-doo!)
Made me want to run away.
I've got the slow computer bluuuuues
Did I mention it's slow?
My computer is so slow now
Let me tell you, it's slow!

I've got the so ridiculously slow it's driving me insane I'll probably kill people from a clocktower and end up on the news soon slow-ow-ow-ow computer BLUUUUUUUUES!