The Mother Load

Saturday was another challenging day in running land, BUT I achieved three minutes.  I have one more run, which I'll do on Today, to master that time before I bump up to five minute runs.  I can't even imagine five minutes at this point.  I keep trying to remind myself that I used to have a hard time running thirty seconds.  Those days seem so long ago.

I didn't buy the beeping kitchen timer I want to buy.  Who has time to go to the store?  Instead, I held my cell phone and watched for the time to change, then did my two minute walks and three minute runs based on that clock. 

You don't know desperation until you're silently begging a cell phone to make time move faster.

I should say that Saturday was an emotional one for me, made even more emotional by the fact that I didn't know which emotions to feel.  Limbo...such a fun party game...such a crazy-making emotional state.

Signs of pregnancy had me wondering if I was one of the lucky one percent who manage to conceive after a tubal ligation.  With my fertile history, it's certainly not impossible.  I've found myself torn between hope and fear all week.  While a new baby wouldn't be unwelcome, I had the procedure to end my childbearing days for a reason.  My body gave its all to my five, and complications with my youngest told me it was time to be done.  Add to that the fact that I had an endometrial ablation along with the tubal, and you're looking at a pregnancy that is almost sure to end in miscarriage, or continue with major, possibly life threatening complications.

So yeah...running wasn't the only thing on the brain, but I did it.  I only managed 15 minutes of my workout before telling Richard I was done and then wiping away frustrated tears from my eyes.  It was all just too much.  He put his arm around me and reminded me he loved me, and we walked home together, hoping for some kind of answer soon.  (See my Sunday What I Learned Today post for an update.)

My weight loss is up to 10 pounds now.  While this isn't the reason I'm running, I have to admit that it gives me a boost and makes me want to keep at it.  I've also started changing the way I eat.  They're just subtle changes here and there, but they're effective ones.  Thinking I might be pregnant caused me to start eating like a pregnant woman, just in case.  I lost weight with each of my pregnancies (substantial weight) because I started eating small meals throughout the day to ward off any morning sickness.  I've decided to keep that going, and I think I'll see great results.

I'm actually looking forward to today's run. How weird is that?  I think I'm happy to only have to run three minutes.  My last hoorah before the five minute craziness.  Good times. :)