The Mother Load

Just when you thought it was safe to feel normal and attractive, you find someone has set a new beauty standard, and you've failed to achieve it.  You might as well join the freak show at the circus passing through your town.  Today's new beauty faux pas?  Dark underarms. 

You all just went to the bathroom to check out your armpits, didn't you?  Yeah, I did too.  I didn't notice any dark patches or discoloration.  Whew! I guess I dodged that bullet.

If you're not as fortunate as I am (and let's face it...who is?), and you're living with the daily curse of darkened armpits, you can use today's Stupid Product, South Beach Skin Solutions: Skin Lightening for Underarms.  Breathe easy, my freakish friends.  Help is on the way.  You need not suffer this scurge in silence any longer.

What, you say?  You're wondering if there are really people in the world so obsessed with their bodies that they'll spend money on a cream to lighten skin most people hardly ever see?  You're having a hard time believing someone would pay good money to correct such a meaningless problem?

Ah, the superiority of the naysayer.  Would you be so smug if it were your daughter with dark armpits?  Your wife?  Your mother?  Dark and discolored underarms are an epidemic in this country.  Countless people suffer alone, hedged in by the stigma of their condition while pasty pits like you laugh at them.  Laugh as long as you can.  You never know when the shadow will descend on your underarms.

Obviously, I'm having a lot of fun with this product and the entire concept of underarm whitening.  According to the product's manufacturer, "millions of women" suffer from the embarrassing problem of darkened underarms.  It's just not something people talked about until now.  It's kind of like alcoholism and domestic violence in that way.  The problem of discoloration of the armpit was swept under the rug.  (*cue awkward underarm hair visual*)

Maybe I'm just being insensitive to embarrassed millions out there because I was blessed with armpits that match the skin on the rest of my body.  Maybe if I had to live with this debilitating problem, I'd be the first in line to trade cash for cream.  I guess that's a fair suggestion.  I'll admit it's nice having naturally white underarms.

I get into the best parties...never have to pay for concert tickets...It's not bad.