The Mother Load

All the parents in the room raise your hands. Do you remember the days when your kids were babies and cried? Do remember what it was like to look at that helpless, screaming baby and have no clue what she wanted?

Parents, you're in LUCK! Wait, wait...scratch that. Parents with iPhones, you're in LUCK! You can now purchase The Cry Translator App for iPhone and turn those tears into smiles as your phone translates your baby's cries for you! No need to spend time getting to know your infant. Let the phone do the parenting while you relax.

I had a cry translator when my kids were babies. It was called my brain. My brain learned every single cry. There was the "I'm hungry" cry. The "I'm in pain" cry. The "I'm bored" cry. The "I'm stuck" cry. The "My older brother is trying to sit on my head" cry (that one was more muffled). The "I'm just crying to see how many times you'll come back" cry. My favorite was the "I CAN'T FIND MY FINGERS! WHERE DID THEY GO?!" cry.

The FAQ at the Cry Translator site say that this product takes only 10 seconds to tell you why your child is crying...as long as there isn't much background noise. So, ixnay on the TV, the great outdoors, shopping malls, and older siblings.

When asked why anyone would need this, considering parents learn their babies' cries just fine without it, the FAQ state that there's a learning curve, and I guess you might as well prolong that with a machine that takes all the effort out of the learning process. (That's a paraphrase, of course.)

Even if it does tell anxiety ridden parents why their babies are crying, is it really that hard to check a diaper? Put a baby to breast? Do a little rocking and singing while you make up a bottle or restart a mobile?

I guess if they're not available on iPhone, they're just too difficult.


(Thanks to Jauna G. for the Stupid Product idea!)