Friday, January 8, 2010

Sarah and Running, a Hate Story

With new fans adding themselves to The Mother Load Facebook fan page, it looks like my hair will take on a decidedly blue tint about this time next month.  The thought has me excited...a little nervous about what the people at church will think...but mostly excited.

You know what doesn't make me excited?  My 1000 fan goal.  When I was trying to decide what to do if I reached 500 fans by the deadline, I whittled the possibilities down to two:  blue hair and running a mile.  I didn't have to get down on my knees and beg my boss to let me dye my hair an outrageous color, but I was perfectly willing to do it if I had to in order to avoid the second option.  I think I was so excited he said yes that some switch that controls judgment malfunctioned in my brain and I blurted out, "Cool! I'll run the mile when I make 1000."

Let me tell you a little about Sarah and Running.  They're not friends.  Sarah and Running knew each other in high school, and Running told everyone Sarah was saying mean things behind their backs and cheating off their test papers and things have been strained ever since.  Sarah gave up Running even when she knew she could fail P.E. if she didn't manage to run a mile in 20 minutes before the semester was over.  Sarah told the coach of her dilemma and the coach allowed her to skip the mile.  Not skip as in miss.  Skip as in "tra la la...skipping along the path...skipping is so fun...wheeeeeee!"  Sarah skipped the mile in 15 minutes and told Running it could stuff it.

Sarah and Running see each other every now and then, because they have many mutual friends, but they pretend they don't notice the presence of the other and focus on the friends, instead.  Things have worked well that way for years now.  Sarah never runs.  That's just the way it is.

Okay, saying I never run is a little bit of a lie.  I run at work from time to time when there's a crisis call to attend to, but there's usually a good amount of adrenaline fueling my feet when that happens.  And I don't consider that running.  That's "answering a code."  That's hurrying to help.  It's a short burst of faster-than-walking steps made in the call of duty. 

So, what would possess me to even consider running a mile when my antipathy for running is so strong?  That wasn't a rhetorical question, people.  I really hope one of you has an answer.  Anyone?  Anyone?  Bueller?  Bueller?

The best explanation I have, other than short term mental illness, is that if I get 1000 fans, it will be because you all worked hard to get me 1000 fans, and I want to reward you for that.  It wouldn't be a reward if I did something easy or enjoyable.  I could eat a lot of chocolate or take a really long nap for 1000 fans, but that wouldn't be a challenge.  Running?  Well, let's just say it is a challenge so great I'm starting ro reconsider the eating bugs thing.

Perhaps I should say it poetically...
(My apologies to Elizabeth Barrett Browning)

Running: How Do I Hate Thee? Let Me Count the Ways.

I hate thee to the depth and breadth and width
My butt can reach when sitting on the couch
Eating take-out pizza and barbecue hot wings.
I hate thee to the level of every woman's most understandable need,
For Diet Coke and truffles.
I hate thee freely, as I strive for chips
I hate thee purely, as I turn from gym memberships
I hate thee with a passion put to use
In my fat pants, and with my childhood's hankering for butter
I hate thee with a hate I'll never lose
With my lost (and regained) pounds
I hate thee with the huffs, puffs, and strangled breaths of all my life!
And if you kill me,
I shall but hate you more after death.

Don't get me wrong.  I'm not completely sedentary.  I walk.  I hike.  I dance around like a crazy person to entertain my kids and the girls at work.  I can exercise as well as the next gal when I feel the need.  I. Just. Don't. Like. Running.

If you're worried I'll back out on this one, you need not fear.  I made a goal and gave myself a challenge.  I will see it through.  I'm nothing if not stubborn.  When the time comes to make the 1000 fan goal and achieve it, I will face my old nemesis and find a way to leave the past behind.

I can see it now...

Running: Hello, Sarah.
Sarah: Running.
Running:  I have to say, I never thought I'd talk to you again.
Sarah: Well, the feeling's mutual.  Let's just get this over with and then we can go back to hating each other, okay?
Running: Sure. Hey, I wanted to tell you I'm sorry for spreading those lies about you back in high school.  I was just jealous because you were so smart and cute and spunky, and I was just, well, me.
Sarah:  Understandable.  I told everyone you had a secret baby the summer after Junior year and sold it to a carnival because it was so ugly, so I guess we're even.


Paul said...

I think you can skip the mile...If you get that on a good quality video.

michelle said...

I AM SOOOOOOOOO EXCITED!!!! as a friend to running and knowing her good qualities, I had always hope you two would get to know each other. maybe me you and running can hang out sometime in the future?