The Mother Load

The first words that stand out in this story, for me, are "...judge ruled against a paternity test..."  I don't know about you, but I'm having all sorts of uncomfortable yet hilarious thoughts here.  ("Test results are in.  You're not the monkey's father.  You're the monkey's uncle.  I'm sorry.")

Sense of humor check: Did you miss the laughter above because you had to hurry and write me an email to tell me that chimps aren't monkeys?  You should read more of this blog and relax a little.  Just sayin'. 

The story of the custody fight for the chimpanzee is unfolding in Sarasota, FL, and is practically Dickensian in its details.  (Well, the details that don't involve an ape.)  James Mike Casey, the disgruntled "dad" of the chimp in question, says his ex-wife lied to him, telling him the chimp died shortly after being born and then sold the chimp illegally to a Hollywood company.  Little Oliver Chimp, no doubt, escaped and took up with a ragtag bunch of street chimps and started hustling for a gorilla named Fagin before being recaptured in time for the lawsuit.

Ah, but I joke.  Apparently, chimpanzees are big business and that's why this case landed in court.  For reasons completely unknown to me, chimps are worth $50,000.  Casey wants his chimp or he wants his money.  Unfortunately for him, he didn't bother having a birth certificate drawn up, fingerprints taken, or...I don't know...verifying that the chimp had actually died.  Since the judge in the case is not willing to trust human DNA testing to verify the identity of a chimpanzee, it looks like it will be an uphill battle for the plaintiff.

It's a shame.  The two gunchimps on the grassy knoll will never be brought to justice now.  However, the good news for Casey is that he'll probably never be sued for chimp support.