Tuesday, January 12, 2010

So, here I am with this week's Outrageous News story, and I'm a day late.  And why am I a day late?  Why, because of this week's Outrageous News story!  Northern Utah, where I happen to reside, has beat out the rest of the nation for bad air quality honors, a fact which caused me to spend yesterday in the doctor's office and at the pharmacy (and not blogging) with my 7 year old.  You can read the full story here

This is what the skies in Salt Lake City look like today.


Those of you who live outside the Wasatch Front just took a deep, satisfying breath, didn't you?  Those of us who live within it just choked on particulate.

I know why the air is so bad. 

Sure, it's the inversion and the pollution, but lots of cities have those.  We have inversions and pollution all the time, but we're not usually the worst in the country.  So, why now?  How has Northern Utah managed to outpollute every other city in America? 

It's the Jell-O.

See, we Utahns (I can't believe I just said that...).  See, we people who live in Utah but may have grown up elsewhere, have had the distinction of being the highest consumers of Jell-O pretty much anywhere for most of our history.  We lost the title to Des Moines, IA back in 1999, but willpower and Bill Cosby (I'm not even kidding) helped us regain it and it's been ours ever since.  It's been common knowledge that Utah probably eats the most Jell-O in the world.  Until now.

According to the info on this site, which may or may not be true (just go with it), Utah is the leader in Jell-O consumption in the U.S., but the tiny Principality of Monaco eats the most Jell-O per capita in the world.  I know what you're thinking, Utahns.  They got Grace Kelly's DNA AND the Jell-O title?!  No fair!

Someone with some power looked at that site, realized Utah had just lost its worldwide Jell-O notoriety and thought, "We've got to DO something!"  Knowing it's extremely hard to beat a small population in a per capita challenge, the honcho knew he had to look elsewhere.  Discarding birth rate and Prozac use as "so five years ago," he look heavenward, saw nothing but smog, and had his answer. 

We're NUMBER ONE!  ALL RIGHT!  GO UTAH! (Excuse me while I wheeze for a minute.)

It may be that this pollution problem is an attempt to blackmail Utahns into eating more Jell-O.  I'm certain within the week we'll have our airwaves taken over by a masked man in a three piece suit telling us that once Utah regains it's place as the world's greatest Jell-O eating population, he'll turn off the smog machine he has hidden in his attic, and we can all breathe easy again.  You can call it a vast, jiggly-wiggly conspiracy if you want to.

I don't care what it is.  I'm just ready for my daughter to breathe again.  And for her eyes to stop swelling up.  And for my husband to stop signing his checks over to the emergency room.

Pass the jello, please.


Gia said...

I'm not as bad off as your daughter, but I'm looking forward to wearing contacts again, and doing more on my days off than sleeping. I don't sleep well at night, so I spend all day trying to make up for it. My husband is looking forward to my snoring less because I breathe better...which makes him sleep better too.