The Mother Load

As you all know, or should know (men, I'm talking to you), Sunday is Valentine's Day.  I'm on a gift hunt for my Funny Valentine, Richard.  Valentine's Day in my house has to be extra special, because it's also the day of my husband's birth.  It's his Birthentine's Day, if you will.

In my tireless efforts to find my sweet the perfect gift, I've come across something that...wow...I don't even know how to finish this sentence.  In the immortal lines of one Drew Barrymore in Never Been Kissed: "I'm speechless!  I have no words!  That's never happened to me before!  Words are my LIFE!"

The product is the Gummy Heart, and you'd better just look at it yourselves.

*Sigh* My friend, Michelle, tells me every Stupid Product review I write only makes her desperate to buy the offending product and give it as a gift to people with a sense of humor. Alas, Michelle. This one is listed as a "discontinued favorite." They don't sell it anymore. Shocking...

If someone gave me this for Valentine's Day, I would probably either burst into tears or vomit, because I would interpret such a gesture as a sure sign of an impending breakup. (Really, vomit. One time in high school, I thought a boyfriend was ending things and lost my bowling alley food all over my shoes.)

The listing for the Gummy Heart encourages people to express their love in a creepy and disturbing way. Aha...going for the psycho stalker demographic there. Win her heart by giving her a disembodied heart! Less mess than dissecting her dog!

Being a poet myself, I can't ignore the poem in the ad.

"My love is pure.
My love is true.
You can have my heart
And eat it too."

Emily Dickinson, ladies and gentlemen.  That is some great rhyming, no?

Richard, I love you and I promise I'll find you something perfect for your Birthentine's Day this year.  It will be thoughtful, heartfelt, and thoroughly geekified.  It will not resemble a body organ in any way. 

You have my heart.  You may not eat it.