The Mother Load

Many loyal Mother Load readers know that, once upon a time, I had ambitions to become a traditional midwife. Having trained as a doula for years previously, I entered an apprenticeship with my own midwife in August of 2004. An untimely divorce in 2006 put an end to my plans. (Read what I've written of that story on my other blog, Sarah...Phenomenally, in the Divorce and Metamorphosis section.)

What I'm trying to get at here is that I know a thing or two about birth.  Childbirth is probably my absolute favorite topic...of all time...in the world.  The only thing I like more than talking birth is blogging.  Today, I get to do BOTH!

There are a myriad of Stupid Products foisted upon unsuspecting pregnant women each year.  It's like manufacturers, inventors, and marketers see a swollen belly and think, "Ooooooh! She's pregnant, anxiety ridden, and absentminded! What can we make her buy?"  Don't believe me?  Check out my reviews of the Placenta Teddy Bear, the BabyPlus Prenatal Education System , and the Pretty Pushers Dressed Up Delivery Gift Set.

People, when it comes to stupid, those products don't hold a candle to today's Stupid Product.  Yes, I know one of them is made from a tanned human placenta.  Trust me.  This one's worse.

Here's the video.  Ladies, you might as well cross your legs now.



See, being of the traditional midwife variety, I'm not a big fan of cervical exams during labor.  They're invasive, embarrassing, uncomfortable, and generally pointless.  And the moms don't like them, either.

I know doctors are fond of knowing the state of the cervix during labor, but all this tends to do is make doctors more impatient and moms more anxious.  I'm very fond of an adage I've heard thrown around in the traditional birthing community: "If God meant for the cervix to be checked, he'd have put it in an easier to reach place." 

So, knowing how I feel about the regular form of cervical dilation monitoring, you can imagine what I feel about today's product.  Let me enlighten you anyway.

AAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!

That is my primal, warrior cry on behalf of women everywhere.  Here is the more polite version:

Dear Delusional Sadist,

I have watched your youtube video and would like to say that while you may think this patented product will be good for laboring women, we women respectfully disagree.

I don't know if you're aware, but having a baby isn't the most comfortable experience.  Actually, it kind of hurts...a lot.  Do you know what would hurt more?  Having a mechanical device clipped and hanging from our insides during the entire process.  Had anyone come near me with one of these during any of my labors, I would surely be blogging from behind bars today because I would have used it to beat that person to death.

You say your product helps women be more actively involved in the process of childbirth.  This is like saying that wearing a watch makes a woman more actively involved in the process of time passing, but only if the watch is dangling from inside her arm and making it impossible for her to move.  (Please don't start inventing again.  That wasn't a suggestion.)

Mr. Sadist, your product is useless and ridiculous, and I assure you that I will work for the rest of my life to guarantee that no woman is ever made to use it.  Your Cervical Dilation Monitor/Enhanced Interrogation Device has no place in childbirth and has no business being anywhere near a woman's cervix. 

If you really think you've produced a quality product that women everywhere should be using, I respectfully ask that you produce a Constipation Progress Monitor of the same variety and proceed to use it immediately.

Here's to being actively involved in THAT process.

Yours respectfully,

Sarah Clark