Wednesday, October 7, 2009

What? You haven't enrolled your fetus yet?

As if pregnant moms didn't have enough to worry about, has unleashed the fear of poor brain development on the neurotic pregnant public. Shown here, the BabyPlus Prenatal Education System promises to produce a baby with extraordinary cognitive abilities by stimulating the development of neurons and reducing the normal atrophy of brain cells that occurs prior to birth. It's basically a recording that mimics a pregnant mother's heartbeat and occasionally speeds it up and makes it more complex, causing baby to go, "Huh?" The makers figure that makes baby think harder, and the more you use, the less you lose.

Mmmmmkay. As a student majoring in Psychology and minoring in Human Development, I could tell you why the science behind this product is dubious, but this is a humor blog, and that would be boring. (Google "transient exuberance and pruning" if you really want to know).

What I really want to say is that this product is stupid. This product obviously did not use itself in the womb. Bad mother of this product! BAD!

At $148.95, this stupid product is also an expensive product. Of course, playing on the fears of moms is probably an effective way of getting them to fork over the big bucks. I mean, really. Do you want your baby to lose brain cells because you didn't buy this product? Will you be able to live with yourself when your child presents his report card and says, "You knew this would happen and you did nothing! You could have saved me, and you didn't. You were too SELFISH."

But wait! There's more! There are customer testimonials! If you don't believe the "science," surely you'll believe the many parents who used the product and swear their babies are smarter than all the other babies. No,'s not what you think. I know all parents swear their babies are smarter, but these parents really mean it! They've seen it! No, really!

Maybe time and longitudinal studies will tell the world that this product really does work, and all the mommies who used it will have their chance to say, "Nanny nanny boo boo," to those of us who didn't. I'm willing to take that chance. After all, my babies are all smarter than theirs and it has nothing to do with the BabyPlus system.

I employed a crucial mix of motherly love, ego, and delusion, and you just can't put a price on that, people.


Millionaira said...

as always i love it!!!

AimeeTheSuperMom said...

So, if I buy it, and it turns out my baby is Deaf, do I get my money back? If he is Deaf, he obviously didn't hear the thing anyway, so therefore it couldn't have worked.

And, yep. I can make such a politically incorrect statement about Deaf babies 'cuz I just happen to have TWO of them. And they're smarter than all those babies who listened to the million dollar toy. Know how I know? Because I just do, okay!?!? They're seriously smarter. No, really. They are. It takes a freaking genius to be as whacky as they are.

This does make me wonder, though. Think Einstein's mom had one of these? That would explain a lot, wouldn't it?

KristenH. said...

Moms with too much time on their hands. Maybe you should try being positive and setting that example for your children rather than worrying about a product you haven't even tried.