Monday, October 26, 2009

I think before we examine this story in too much detail, we should review the zombie rules. To become a zombie, you must first be bitten by a zombie, then die. Once you're sufficiently dead, you will come back to "life" as a zombie yourself and have a desire to feast on human flesh. The only way to kill a zombie is to remove its head, though I hear 8 hours of continuous Backstreet Boys music can also be effective.

Apparently, an Iowa man was punched twice in the face after his attacker accused him of being a zombie. The assault occurred in the early morning while the alleged zombie was ordering some food. You can read the full story here.

So, the question remains. Was the man a zombie or not? Knowing what we know about zombies and the rules that surround them, let's discuss.

The man in question was "ordering food." This could mean so many things. Was he standing at a late night taco stand, waiting innocently for his side order of sour cream? Or, was he standing in a zombie line, asking for a portion of the eviscerated human on the ground? I think it's an important distinction, don't you? 1 vote zombie.

According to the police report, the victim was hit once, pulled out his cell phone to call the police, and then was hit again. To my knowledge, zombies don't use cell phones. Of course, that's only because I've never seen a zombie with a phone. It may just be that zombies don't use cell phones when I'm around because they don't get free minutes until after 9 pm. This incident occurred after midnight, a time when I'm least likely to see a zombie because, well, I'm afraid of zombies (read that column here). 2 votes zombie.

Punching a zombie in the eye and then breaking its nose will not kill a zombie. Since everyone I know knows this, it stands to reason that the attacker knew this. If he really thought this was a zombie, he would have brought a machete to the restaurant and done the job the right way. Instead, he sucker punched the guy and ran. 1 vote not a zombie.

However, we know nothing about whether or not the assailant was running in hopes that the victim would follow him into a Backstreet Boys infused trap. 1 vote zombie.

There you have it. 3 votes zombie. 1 vote not a zombie. The "victim" was clearly a zombie. The police and restaurant employees are probably now zombies. I may also be a zombie.