Monday, October 19, 2009

Outrageous News: Houston, we have a clump.

So, a bunch of Elvis Presley memorabilia recently went on the auction block, and someone forked over $15,000 plus auction fees for a clump of what is believed to be the King's hair. There's not much more information than that, but you can read the full story here.

Please show respect for Elvis while viewing the clump and whisper when you need to speak. Tears are appropriate and expected. Please, no flash photography as the hair is very famous, I mean, fragile. I'm sorry I can't reveal the name of the buyer as this person is now trying to explain to his spouse why they won't be visiting the grandkids for Christmas because he spent all their money on hair.

Perhaps it's easy for me to poke fun since I don't currently have $15,000 lying around. (If you must know, I don't even have $5 lying around.) Maybe if I had the means to buy the hair of my favorite celeb, I'd be all over it.

Actually, I think I'm safe in saying that even if I had 15 grand, and even if I didn't have a hundred places that money could do me a lot of good, I don't think I could bring myself to make this purchase. Why? A) The word "clump." B) The words "believed to be."

Really, could they not market the hair a little better than this? If you expect me to shell out big bucks, could you maybe call it a collection of hair or a cutting of hair or a portion of hair? Clumps of hair are what I yank out of my brush or vacuum out from under my couch. Clumps of hair are what my cats regularly regurgitate onto the floor.

Fans of the King, my sister included (Hi, Carla!), will probably tell me they don't care how Elvis Presley's hair is labeled. It's his hair! The KING'S HAIR! From THE KING'S HEAD!

But is it? According to the news story, this hair was only "believed to be" from Elvis. For all the buyer knows the clump might have come from a large dog or a small child. There was no certificate of authenticity signed by the barber, no autographed comb with a note from Elvis saying, "Yep. That's my hair. Thank you. Thank you very much." Someone took the clump at face value and forked over the cash, no questions asked.

Do you know what this means? I am in the wrong business. I have loads of junk around my house that might have belonged to dead celebrities! If someone was willing to pay that much for what maybe, sort of, possibly, might have been believed to be the hair of Elvis Presley, imagine the money I could make!

"So, you say this is really Marilyn Monroe's used paper towel?"
"I believe it is...yes."
"How much?"
"That's a little high..."
"It's got daisies..."
"Do you take cash?"

Once I sell what might have been Cary Grant's nose hair trimmer and what was very possibly Katherine Hepburn's laundry soap, I'm totally bidding on Tom Cruise's earwax.