The Mother Load

Know a pregnant woman with a due date in the near future? Agonizing over what to give as a gift at her baby shower? Have you considered getting her the gift of childbirth glamour? The Pretty Pushers "A Dressed Up Delivery" Gift Set promises to make mom dazzle the delivery room on the big day.

Here's a little snippet from their site. The grammatical errors, including the weird, five period-long ellipses, are theirs: "The due date is quickly approaching.....Everyone is eagerly waiting to see the new addition to the family. The pictures that are taken will be in the albums forever.....but wait, who is that unrecognizable monster in a hospital gown? NOT YOU!"

Unrecognizable monster. They really said that.

I don't know about you, but I see potential for domestic violence in this. I imagine the man who gives his wife this product as a pre-baby gift will get a swift kick in the babymaker from the hormonal love of his life. Can you blame a gal? Nothing says, "Honey, I love and respect you as the mother of our child and can't wait to support you through labor," like a product that screams, "If you look like a crazed, demon cow during labor, you're not doing your job, and our baby will hate you."

I have so many problems with this product. So, so many. Let me count them for you, k?

1. It's stupid...but you knew that.

2. I don't know how much it costs (it's sold at a list of "fine" retailers), but whatever the price, it's too much. There's a reason women wear hospital gowns when they labor. They don't have to pay for them, launder them, or account for them in any way. Why is this good? Because in labor, things spill...splash...erupt...drain...explode...sometimes everywhere. Whether it's death by urine, feces, vomit, or amniotic fluid, that dress is as good as gone an hour into the big show.

3. Photo albums notwithstanding, childbirth isn't about winning beauty contests. It's hard work. By hard work, I mean it's like running a marathon, single-handedly building an addition to your house, and baling hay while carrying five adults on your shoulders, often without the benefit of food and water. Would you stop a marathon runner halfway through the race and say, "Hon...your lip gloss is smudged. Can you fix that?"

4. What. Is. Up. With the lemon scented wipe? A "refreshing polish before the big push?" Newsflash to women who worry what the doctor will think about their unpolished nether regions: He just watched you empty your bladder and bowels onto the chux pad underneath you. He doesn't care if you're lemon scented.

5. The headband and massage oil are actually useful. However, they are stupid by association with the rest of this gift.

6. Women in labor are beautiful. I've seen it. They're majestic and strong. They're mighty. Unpolished, unglossed, and unglammed, a woman giving birth is creating life. She's the most beautiful creature in the world at that moment, tousled hair, broken capillaries, and all. To tell her she's not is a crime. The makers of this product should be punished. I suggest we send them "A Dressed Up Colonoscopy" gift sets, post haste.

I've already scheduled their appointments.