The Mother Load

It's getting close to Halloween. Do you know what your child wants to be? So far, I've got a vampire princess, Catwoman, and the corpse bride in the house. My oldest hasn't settled on anything, and my youngest goes back and forth between Spiderman and Prince Caspian.

Apparently, my kids don't know a thing about what's in in costumes these days. Feel free to accuse me of living under a rock or in a cave or within some mythical realm in which kids are kids, but HOLY MOLY! When did we start dressing our kids like they just received their membership cards to Future Porn Stars of America? The costumes available in costume shops and on the web put the freak in "I am one really freaked out mom!"

Don't believe me? Follow the links.

Child's pimp costume. You won't believe it until you see it.

That's right. Little Timmy might want to go trick-or-treating as a football player or a rockstar, but those costumes are childish and lame. He's nearly 9 years old, after all. He's practically a man. It's time for him to grow up and start taking care of business...the business of prostitution, that is. Nothing says, "the best years of his life," like a cut of the streetwalking profits. Of course, if he's really going to pull it off, he'll need a couple of working girls. See below.

Preteen Gretel Costume. How old is a preteen, again?

Doesn't this model look a little too old and a lot too chesty to be a preteen? I have a preteen in my house, and she does not look like that. (Dear God, thank you, thank you, thank you!) And I have to take issue with literary accuracy here. I've read Hansel and Gretel a few times, and I just don't remember Gretel flouncing around in a short halter dress and thigh highs. I seem to remember she was starving and ragged. Oh, and she was a kid...a minor...a young girl...not in any way employed by Frederick's of Hollywood.

Child French Maid. They did NOT!

Speaking of lingerie... I have no words. None at all. Except that I feel like I need to turn myself in to the police just for looking at that page. Someone save that girl from her parents. Please.

Preteen Sexy Red Riding Hood. GAAAAAHHHHH!

Dear maker of this product: When I think of 12 year olds, I don't think of the word "sexy." This is a good thing. If I did, you would be looking up my name and address on a sex offender registry. Yes, I know there are 12 year olds out there having sex. This is not a good thing. Perhaps this will make it easier to understand. (Put on your thinking cap now...yes, the rusty one with the dent in it. It's the only one you have.) 12 year olds...innocent and nonsexualized...GOOD! Sexy preteen costumes...BAD. You...STUPID!

I'll go back under my rock now. I have a corpse bride costume to make.