The Mother Load

Photo by Fimb

My original title for this post read: "Outrageous News: Depressed People Eat More Chocolate, Scientists Slap Foreheads, Sarah Shouts, 'DUH!'"

I remember when the word "duh" was invented.  It was 1987.  I was attending Sullivan Village Elementary School in Lawton, Oklahom.  It blew in like a tornado across the prairie...the perfect word.  Suddenly, everyone in the country was saying it. 

The story of Duh is one of those things I love to tell my kids about the "old days."  It's similar to how I remember my family's first microwave or that we had a VCR remote that had wires...or that we had a VCR.  Yes, kids, I was around when they invented "duh," and it was a beautiful day.

"Duh" is such a silly word, a nonsensical syllable, really, and yet it encapsulates so much meaning.  There is no better way in the English language to say, "Hey doofus...everyone knows that."  I'm very proud to use this word today.

So, readers, someone in the scientific community has seen fit to tell the world that depressed people eat more chocolate.  Say it with me now: DUH!

The study in question was actually being done on cholesterol and the link between depression and chocolate consumption just kind of came out of the preliminary surveys.  I like to see it happening this way:

Poindexter: Aha! I have the results of the depression survey! I must get this to Alfred at once!

Pencilneck: Aha! The chocolate eating results are in! Alfred must see this at once!

SMASH!

Poindexter: You got chocolate in my depression survey!

Pencilneck: You got depression in my chocolate survey!

Unison: WE SHOULD PUBLISH!

There's much more to the story than that, but really...do you need to hear it?  The white coated smarties behind the study throw around some ideas about why chocolate has the effect it does (does it really matter?) and they go out on a really big limb when they suggest that chocolate might actually cause depression (now they're just talking crazy).

I suspect any further reporting of this story will only result in my writing things like, "Scientists have long suspected...blah blah blah french silk pie...DUH!" or "One hypothesis is that...yada yada yada Snickers...DUH!"  I prefer to just think about the chocolate...creamy, decadent, beautiful chocolate.

Next on the agenda for Poindexter and Pencilneck: "Kids hate going to the dentist!"  "Men watch more football than women!"  "Scientists actually spend grant money on Battlestar Galactica conventions and virtual reality girlfriends!"

(Author's note: My husband begs to differ: "I watch more women than football."  Thanks, Richard.  We're all very proud.")