Thursday, April 15, 2010

Awesome Product: My Husband's Contrabass Clarinet

Raise of hands: How many of you have never heard of a contrabass clarinet before?  Wow!  Almost all of you.  Ask me if I'm surprised... 

Yes, I see you in the corner, band and orchestra geeks who found this blog through my husband.  You've all heard of this obscure instrument.  Good job.  I'm very proud.  Handerpants for all of you!

For those of you (read: the majority) who are still shaking your heads and saying, "Contra-whaaaa?" (and mourning because I'm not offering you underpants for your hands) I give you the Leblanc Bb Resonite Contrabass Clarinet.

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It's a terrible shot, I know, but it's not easy getting a clarinet that tall in one frame.  For reference, I'd say one of my husband's normal sized clarinets is about a quarter to a third the length of this instrument.  You might notice the case on the couch behind the contrabass.  While I've never actually tested this theory, I believe this case is taller than I am.  (And I'm appropriately jealous of it.  That's why I make it live under our bed.)

So, why is this my Awesome Product for this week?  Because we want to sell it, that's why!  Is it blatantly self serving of me to post it on my blog?  Absolutely!  Do I feel any shame about that?  Not at all.  Why?  Because this clarinet is AWESOME, and you need it!  And believe me...I know awesome.

You probably have some questions about this product.  Let me answer the ones I most anticipate right here.

Q. Why would I need a clarinet this tall?
A. Because you don't have a bassoon.  Duh.

Q. What if I do have a bassoon?  Do I still need a contrabass clarinet?
A. Everyone needs a contrabass clarinet.  It's the law.  (Unless you're a successful humor blogger, that is.)

Q. But I don't play the clarinet.  Why would I need an instrument I can't play?
A.  I don't know how to build a computer, but I'm typing on one right now...

Q. Okay, I see your logic. I can see you're much smarter than I am.  What can I do with this instrument I can't play?
A. The possibilities are limitless.  You can scare cats (we have footage.)  You can use it to beat up burglars and prowlers.  For the contract killers in my readership, the case will comfortably hold the remains of two human adults.  You can blast your teenager awake early Saturday morning and then laugh heartily.  For those of you who are musically inclined, you can strut in front of your geeky music friends and say, "I own a contrabass clarinet."  (Never underestimate the power of musical bragging rights.)

Q. How much?
A. We're asking $2500 for payment in full at the time of purchase, or $3000 if you want to make payments.  It was just over $4000 new and is still in excellent condition, so this is a pretty good deal.

Q. Wow! Musical instruments cost that much?
A. Holy, ohmygosh, I KNOW!

Q. Can anyone make payments?
A. Yes, as long as you live in Northern Utah.  Outside the area, we'd have to have the full amount up front.  It's just too hard to steal your children as forced collateral if you live far away.

Q. I'll never buy this, but I know someone who might want to.  What's in it for me if I tell someone about Richard's contrabass clarinet and you make the sale?
A. If you refer a buyer for the clarinet and the sale goes through, you can have your pick of any Awesome or Stupid product I've profiled on this blog, up to a value of $100.  That's good for one War on Debt Home Study Course,  FIVE Perfect Brownie Pans, or  approximately EIGHT pairs of Handerpants! Or mix and match!

Q. What if I buy the clarinet?  Will I get to pick a product too?  (I've really got my eye on the P-Mate.)
A. First, ew. Second, absolutely.  If you;re already a Mother Load reader and you buy the contrabass clarinet, you can choose a product (or two...or three) up to a value of $100.

Q. How do I get in touch with you about this truly Awesome Product?
A Email me at my business email address: pieskyprofessionalwriting@gmail.com!

2 comments:

MuseCat10 said...

My husband would so want this, but alais we can't afford it on a no income salary. But take from me it is a great instrament! I have heard it in person.

Jenn said...

And what if I'd like a clarinet I don't have to stand on a ladder to play? How can you help those of us inclined to musical geekdom but vertically challenged? What? You're NOT a music store? C'mon!

Alas, I know no one in need of a clarinet they could use to maul burglars, and that's outside my teen-harassing budget. :-/