Monday, November 30, 2009

Outrageous News: No Black Friday Deaths. Huzzah!

It seems we're all so used to Black Friday mayhem that one news outlet felt the need to report that no one died this year.  There were tasers at one Toys 'R' Us store and a shopper was trampled at another, but the death toll stands at zero.  Good job, crazy shoppers.  Good job.

I should point out that I'm not without bias.  I refuse to shop on Black Friday on the grounds that I don't think a risk of death should be associated with Christmas gift giving.  I've always been weird that way.  I just posted an old column about my love for bargain shopping, but it doesn't run that deep.  I've never even been manhandled at a thrift store or yard sale, let alone trampled.

Trampled.  What a word. Trampled.  The more you say it, the more ridiculous it becomes.  A woman was trampled.  Shopping. For toys.  And she makes the news because she didn't die. 

What would they have written in her obituary if she had died?  "Jane Elizabeth Doe, beloved wife and mother, left this earth Friday, November 27, 2009, after a courageous battle with 500 bargain shoppers.  She died doing what she loved to do: punching her way through a crowd for a chance at a deal.  She will be sorely missed by all who loved her.  The TV we didn't get is also sorely missed."

Until next year, shoppers.  Until next year.