The Mother Load

Before we begin our journey into Hair Bow Hell, I feel I should point out that I'm not a "bow person." I don't wear bows in my own hair, and I can probably count on one hand the number of times I've put a bow in any of my daughters' hair. My girls are so bow clueless that they think ordinary elastic hair ties are bows. I'm not sure they even know bows exist. After today, I'm very okay with that.

Before bow aficionados get all bent out of shape, let me say I have nothing against bows or people who wear bows or people who buy bows or people who make and sell bows to people who wear and buy bows. Did I cover all my bases there?

I do, however, have something against these bows.

The Hot Pink Glitter Skull with Rhinestones
Maybe this is meant as a Halloween accessory. I just don't know. This skull and crossbones bow sure is shiny, though. Just look at how all those rhinestones sparkle! They scream, "DANGER!" and "POISON!" in such a shimmery way, don't they? The next time one of my daughters plays with uranium, I'm so getting one of these to warn the neighbor kids away. Thoughtful seller...thinking of the rest of us.

The Glitter Bling Cross
Have a daughter you need to christen soon? Proudly display her Christianity with a 6 inch glitter and rhinestone crucifix nestled on a giant, hot pink, "poke a dot" bow attached to a brown, leopard print headband. Ah, "poke a dots" and leopard print...this is one classy hair accessory, let me tell you. According to the maker, it "blings from every angle." And you know, Jesus was all about the bling.

The Brass Knuckles Hair Clip
You read that right. Brass knuckles. On a kid's head. I weep for our future.

The Mermaid Bow
Sometimes, you have to laugh just to keep from crying. Other times, you have to laugh because you're looking at a picture of a woman with a large, plastic mermaid doll on her head and you realize someone wants $54 for it. I think both apply here.

(Thanks to Jauna G. for the Stupid Product idea! You can see her non-hellish bow designs here.)