The Mother Load

When I lived in Southern Utah, I was within an hour or so of the polygamist community of Colorado City, Arizona. The first time I passed this town, I was curious. When I learned about the inner workings of polygamist life from a coworker who happened to be one herself, I was surprised. When I was a single mom finally feeling ready to step into the dating world and was told polygamist men were known to troll the single's dances in my town in a quest for new wives, I was terrified.

Today? While I have no desire to enter into the "Twisted House on the Prairie" life of a fundamentalist in Colorady City (incest, corruption, and thought control, oh my!), I'm feeling like there might be something to the whole "sister wife" thing.

Stay with me here. I don't really want to be a polygamist. I just want a wife. Confused? You've come to the right place!

Back in the 60s and 70s, feminists and perfume manufacturers were telling women they could do it all. Take a look.



Ah, yes. Because I am a W-O-M-A-N, I can work full time, come home and do several hours of housework, and then still have plenty of energy to play the vixen for my M-A-N. At this point, I've told my husband I can offer 2 out of 3 on my really good days, and I let him decide what he wants. Our house is usually a mess.

Don't get me wrong...we all try to keep the place running. I don't completely ignore the house, and Richard is no slouch, either. The kids have chore charts, and we try really hard to make it work. The sad reality is that if there are two parents working full time, neither of them is fully capable of running the house. People have told me to hire a housekeeping service, but if I could afford that, I wouldn't be working.

And even if I weren't working, I'd still be going to school full time, so I'd still need extra help around the house. Every time I look at this situation, I realize we need a wife. He needs one and I need one. We just need someone who can pick up the slack, manage things, be there when we get home at the end of the day to rub our shoulders and put a nice meal on the table.

And so...

Blogger/Humorist and Spouse seek sister wife to perform both basic and advanced home management duties, full time, in the Salt Lake Area. Applicant should possess patience, a cheerful demeanor, excellent cooking skills, and exceptional organizational skills, and must agree to work mornings, evenings, weekends, and holidays. The successful applicant will be shorter, fatter, and not nearly as cute as the Blogger/Humorist and should be just interesting enough to provide the Blogger/Humorist with engaging conversation without outshining the Blogger/Humorist in conversations with the Spouse. Women with disfiguring facial scars are highly encouraged to apply. Schedule will vary and duties will be shared with Blogger/Humorist and Spouse at the discretion of Blogger/Humorist. The successful applicant will understand that certain duties, such as never, never, never, letting Spouse forget that he's her man will only be performed by the Blogger/Humorist. A prescription antidepressant to wipe out the applicant's libido will be provided free of charge. Compensation includes paid vacation with the family whenever we can plan it, frequent Girls' Nights Out (but not with my friends...you'll have to find your own), and a new wardrobe compliments of the local thrift store.

If the successful applicant can figure out what to get everyone for Christmas and can pass all my finals, I'll throw in a year's supply of Enjoli perfume.