Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Stupid Product: The Choculator

It's no secret to most Mother Load readers the levels to which I hate math.  In fact, my very first "What I Learned Today" post on this blog chronicled my hatred of Algebra.  When my dear, sweet, longsuffering husband tried to tutor me through my math classes, we eventually ended our sessions in order to avoid major marital repercussions.

Here's what a typical tutoring session sounded like at my house:

Richard: Okay! Let's do the next one! (Please infer a tone of utmost enthusiasm, as this man has an extremely unhealthy relationship with math.)
Me: (Labored sigh) "Stupid Sally left the stupid train station going stupid 75 miles per hour..."
Richard: (Laughs politely)
Me: If the stupid train jumped the stupid tracks and everyone on it died a horrible, fiery death, I wouldn't have to do this stupid problem.
Richard: I don't want to be here anymore.

I'm happy to say that I've managed Bs my math classes AND my marriage is no worse for wear. (Right, Richard? I love you...)  And you know? I did it without today's Stupid Product, The Choculator, a calculator that looks and smells like chocolate but is not chocolate.

To give you a better idea of what the Choculator looks like, and because I think these girls are adorable, here's a homemade commercial for the product.

And here's what I think about The Choculator:

Why, in the name of all things beautiful and cocoa related, would I want a piece of chocolate I can't eat?  When I smell chocolate, I want to EAT chocolate.  I don't buy truffles and say, "Aren't they beautiful? I think I'll just stare at them all day...maybe give them a little smell...mmmmm."  No, when I buy truffles, I go to a secret place inside my soul and commune with God as the chocolatey goodness restores my life force and makes me want to be a better person.

And if there's anything worse than having chocolate I can't eat, it's having chocolate I can't eat paired with math.  Did you SEE the tutoring session example above?  Can you even IMAGINE what that would have been like had I been forced to smell chocolate the entire time without any actual chocolate to drive away the math demons?  People, it wouldn't have been pretty.

Choculator, you mock my pain.  I know, I know..."Life is pain, Princess. Anyone who says differently is selling something."  Lucky for me, I don't have to buy it.