The Mother Load

Dear Consumers:

I have been reviewing Stupid Products on this blog for just over 7 months now. While I enjoy this line of work and receive lots of warm fuzzies from knowing I've saved the masses from buying stupid things, there is a definite downside. Specifically, I believe the frequency with which I smack myself in the forehead over what you buy may lead to permanent brain damage.

Case in point:



*SMACK* Ow.

One viewing of this infomercial was enough for me to know the Slender Shaper is useless and will never do what it says it will do. How do I know this? Because weight loss isn't effortless. Because fat doesn't burn that way. Because I've been using a hand held massager on my shoulders for years, and they're no thinner than the rest of my body. Also, because I'm not dumb.

The testimonials toward the end of the commercial are somewhat hard to understand, owing to the thick accents and the forked tongues. Allow me to provide you with a transcript and translations.

Testimonial #1: "Slender shaper is the best! I love it!" Translation: "Getting paid to lie is the best! I love it!"

Testimonial #2: "It's incredible! I lost my three dress sizes, and my buns look much better now."
Translation: "I have no idea how substantial a three dress size weight loss is or I would never claim this. It sounded more believable than 30, which is what they wanted me to say."

Testimonial #3: "I can't explain the feeling of the fat melting away. In one short month, I lost 2 pant sizes. Quite a difference, huh?" Translation: "I can't explain a feeling that doesn't exist, so I won't even try. In one short month, I sold my integrity for a paycheck and a chance to hold up fat pants on camera. Quite a feat, huh?"

Seriously, people. The only reason companies make products like this is that there are people dumb enough to buy them. Comsumers, for the sake of my brain cells, PLEASE stop buying these things.

When you think about it, Stupid Products create a positive feedback loop. The more I smack myself for the stupid purchases of others, the dumber I become, and the more likely I am to start buying Stupid Products myself... Dang.

Note to self: New plan. Start smacking THEM!