The Mother Load

Someone is bound to see my Stupid Product post today and say, "She's just jealous because she could never pull those off."  To those people, I say, if I were thin enough to pull those off, I would still be smart enough to pull them off and wear something less stupid.

The makers of today's product, Sanna's Bikini Pants, must have seen a woman walking around with her thong poking out of the top of her jeans and, instead of doing what most of the population does in that situation (laugh and point), decided they'd be considered fashion geniuses if they made the peekaboo thong an actual part of an actual pair of jeans.

Unfortunately, the people at Sanna's don't seem to understand the difference between a tortured genius and a torturing genius, so they've foisted Bikini Pants onto the public, and our eyes, minds, and hearts will never be the same.

Here's the only video I could find with these jeans in it (surely, this bodes well, yes?). Please don't watch it in its entirety. I care about my readers too much to subject them to more than 37 seconds of booty popping "models," ridiculous clothes, and autotuned music. Just check out the model from 4:00 to 4:37, and you'll see the pants in action.



Ladies, I don't want to see this much of your body. No, really, I don't. I'm sure you work very hard to look slim and sexy, and you're really proud of your efforts and results. But really? None of my business. I just don't want to be nosy, is all. I feel like a busybody with all your business hanging out there in my line of sight.

And I think it should be said that trashy is not the same as sexy. And these pants? They're trashy.

Am I being too harsh? Are you sobbing into your handkerchief of a shirt and calling me mean? I'm sorry. I know you're a child of God and your mother loves you and your creepy uncle thinks you're really hot. I'm not trying to hurt your feelings.

I just want you to stop hurting my eyes.

(Thanks to Jenn W., of Delano, CA, for today's Stupid Product idea.  Thanks also to Jenn for being a card carrying, MENSA joining genius, but neither a tortured nor a torturing kind.)