The Mother Load

Monday, my usual day for Outrageous News posts, found me swamped with other writing and editing work, so I had to wait until today to post the feature. And you know what? I'm very grateful for that fact because today's Outrageous News story didn't happen until today. I really would have beat the boat on this one...

Today's story comes to you from the halls of Congress, where your Representatives are misusing their time and your money yet again.  It never ceases to amaze me what our elected officials in Washington D.C. consider a hard day's work for a crazy awesome month's pay. One day, I will cease to be amazed, and that day, my friends, will be a very sad day. I will have lost completely the illusion of government by, for, and of the people. (I haven't lost it up to this point because I'm just a sucker for love of the unrequited variety, and that includes my love of America.)

So, Utah Republican Jason Chaffetz blasted his fellow congressmen this week, saying they waste time and taxpayer resources every week by passing congressional resolutions to honor sports teams and champions. According to Chaffetz, these resolutions take 30 minutes to complete and happen as often as 5 times a week. Chaffetz will have none of it, though, and instead of voting for today's resolution, he flouted convention and just announced himself "present."

I don't know what's harder to wrap my mind around: the fact that our representatives are voting on whether or not to say, "Good job," to sports teams without having passed a BUDGET yet, or the fact that the only means of standing up to them is to say, "Here I am!"

I should never visit Congress.  I'd take one look at stuff like this and get a fit of the giggles and be asked to leave.  In my defense, it would be an "I have to laugh or else I'd cry" situation.

Maybe I'm too tired to not think silly thoughts right now, but in my goofy mind's eye, I see a persnickity school marm at the front of the House of Representatives, calling attendance while our reps stow their lunch pails under their seats and ready their slates for the day's sports stars resolution passing.

"Nancy Pelosi?"
--"Seattle Seahawks."
"Barney Frank?"
--"Lance Armstrong."
"Carolyn McCarthy?"
--"The Poughkeepsie Women's Bowling League Hot Mamas Team."
"Jason Chaffetz"
--"Present."
(Collective gasp.)

Don't get me wrong. I have no beef with Chaffetz. I'm right there behind the esteemed gentleman from Utah. Go, Chaffetz, go!  Give them your best, Utah brand of heck!

I think it's time for a Mother Load resolution honoring our freshman congressmen for flouting the rules and having the courage to stand up and say, "I will not be a party to this!  This is a stupid waste of time! They don't give a flying fetch what we think! They have trophies for that! PRESENT!  I'm PRESENT, I tell you!  Give me perfect attendance, or give me death!"

All in favor?