The Mother Load

I remember a long time ago, I wrote a column about the fact that, despite loads of people who could have stopped this travesty from happening, the music industry released a song called "The Way I Are," and my soul died a little.  I made the point in that column that anyone from the sound mixer to the CD jacket artist could have spoken up at any time and told the artist he was going to sound like a moron.

I have very similar feelings about today's Stupid Product.  Any reasonable human being should see the words, "Candwich-The Sandwich in a Can!" and immediately say, "Please, tell me you're joking."  And yet, people didn't.  Or if they did, they didn't say it loudly enough, because here's Candwich, ascending to earth from the depths of preservative hell, hiding its true nature in a benevolent looking beverage container.

Why, Candwich? Why?  Oh wait! Here's the CEO now to tell us why!




Mark, when the people who eat Vegemite make faces like that, you might want to rethink what you're selling.

All I can say is that it's a good thing I'm a blogger and not a vlogger, because even though my mouth is agape, I can still type.  Did he...did he just say...curdle technology?  He's creating curdles in his can? That can't be right.  *Lifts computer to ear to listen again.*  Aha. Hurdle technology.  The can creates hurdles to impede the growth and progress of bacteria. 

It's a funny thing about hurdles.  People jump over them.  And they're not really solid objects, you know?  They're just bits of wood sitting on a running track.  If someone didn't want to jump over a hurdle, he or she could easily run around one or even crawl under one.  Hurdle technology doesn't really make me feel secure the way, maybe, large iron door with no doorknob fused to a three foot thick brick wall technology would.  Just a thought about the analogy.

And really?  You went to the trouble of putting a sandwich in a can and I have to make it myself?  You want me to pay you to make my own PB&J? I could do that at home.  I DO do that at home!  And I have hurdle technology right in my kitchen!  They're called...wait for it...baggies! 

There's a bit of Outrageous News laced into the story of the Candwich from right here in my host state of Utah.  It seems people gave a bunch of their money (probably from the bunch they saved on car insurance) to a man promising to invest it in real estate.  And what did he do with it?  He gave it to the Candwich people instead.

How do you even tell your story without crying when you get bilked out of a lot of money because you gave it to someone who believed the Candwich would be the next big thing?  "He told us he was going to buy houses...cylindrical, air tight, hurdle-filled houses that would remind us of our childhoods.  We didn't kow what that meant. We just thought he was being highbrow."

Maybe I'm poo-pooing the idea too early on in the inextricably canned food game.  Maybe someday there will be a terrible natural disaster in Salt Lake City, and the people with Candwiches in their food storage (oh, yes, Utah, it's being marketed that way) will look at me and say, "Ha! All you have are meat, soups, beans, grains, potatoes, vegetables, fruits, drink mixes, cake mixes, egg substitutes, jellies, jams, spices, sugars, honey, and milk.  But do you have a sandwich? Ahahahahahahahahahaha!"

Riiiiight.

A final thought:  I originally intended to say that the shifting of the word sandwich into Candwich is, on its own, a travesty because it renders one of my favorite childhood jokes completely useless.  I intended that until I thought of a new, even better joke:  Why don't people starve in the dump?  Because of all the Candwiches there!

Thanks, Candwich.  I've found a use for you, after all.

(Thanks to Jauna G., of Las Vegas, NV, for emailing me about Candwiches and making me scream-laugh in the process.  Ah, the scream-laugh.  What would my blogging days be without them?)