Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Stupid Product: Baby Bangs Headband

There are Stupid Products on this blog that have made me laugh until I've cried.  Today's Stupid Product, the Baby Bangs Headband, just makes me cry.  We live in a culture so obsessed with body "perfection" that it produces product stupidity in the form of  Armpit Whitening Cream and Booty Pop Panties. While I think these products are stupid, I'm okay with the fact that they exist because at the very least, these products have been inflicted upon grown women who should know better.

Today's product, however, is about beautifying babies.  You heard me.  It's a beauty product for babies.  Specifically, the Baby Bangs Headband is meant to beautify those sad, sad baby girls who struggle through the shame of infantile baldness.  That's right.  These babies are babies.

*Give me a minute.  I'm crying again.*

Here's an snippet of an episode of the Tyra Banks Show in which she interviews a woman beaten down by the indignity of a daughter who is constantly mistaken for a boy.  Baby Bangs to the rescue!  I have no idea why the person who posted this video decided to take out the sound and replace it with a running, on screen transcript, but the music really underscores the abject misery of this poor mother's plight, don't you think?  

People, the Baby Bangs Headband is one thing and one thing only. It's a toupee. And what do we do when we spot another human being wearing a toupee? We laugh, and we pity that person. Why is that? Because toupees are obvious, ridiculous, and stupid looking. This is not to say the person wearing the toupee is ridiculous or stupid looking...just that the thing atop his head is. Any amount of baldness looks better than a toupee. Any.

Like Huggies Jeans Diapers, the Baby Bangs Headband is not about making a baby feel more comfortable with her appearance.  It's about making MOM feel more comfortable about baby's appearance.  To these moms, I say, "URGH!"  Then, I take a breath and say, "If you're trying to make her look better, you're kind of heading in the opposite direction, here.  Also, if you're hung up on her looks already, you might as well check her into the eating disorder clinic by the time she's seven, because baby?  She's gonna have a complex."

Really, isn't it okay for a kid to just look like she looks?  Do we really have to impose a cultural expectation of beauty on someone who can't even say the word?  Should we be imposing it on our older daughters?  Is there anyone out there who will stop the MADNESS inherent in our appearance obsessed society?

Actually, I'm not that worried.  I know exactly who will stop this particular madness.  As well intentioned as Baby Bangs buyers might think they are, the BABY will be the sensible person who takes a stand against baby toupees.

Seriously, how many babies do you know who will keep something on their heads for more than five seconds?  Enjoy that full head of ridiculous looking fake hair while it lasts, ladies.  URGH!

(Thanks to Onica H., of Kent, WA, for today's DOOZY of a Stupid Product.  Thanks to Onica, also, for having the common sense not to put a rug on any of her babies.)