Monday, October 25, 2010

Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, tell my younger sister, Carla, about today's Outrageous News story.  She's been through a lot in her 32 years, and a blow like this could threaten her very life, a life she has lovingly devoted to the Man of Steel.  She is a Superman fanatic in the truest sense of the word.  I submit the following:

So, the story (which we are NOT sharing with Carla) is that DC Comics is unveiling a new version of Superman who resembles Robert Pattinson, of Edward Cullen fame, in the graphic novel, "Superman: Earth One."  This reimagining of Superman involves hoodies, skinny ties, and low cut man jeans.  It also relegates the Man of Steel to brooding hipster status, trading muscles for moodiness.  That's right.  Smallville's own is going to be a brooding, skinny pretty boy.

I have three words for DC Comics right now: No.  Also?  NO!  And finally, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Long time readers of this blog know I'm no fan of the Twilight series of books and movies.  I taught the relationship of Bella and Edward as a cautionary, "What not to do" example in the teen relationships groups I ran while working with troubled adolescents.  I attend the movies as a quiet heckler, counting the number of times my eyes roll back into my head and awarding myself with dessert if the number exceeds 100 (it always does).

I have no love for Bella Swan, whom I see as a codependent damsel in distress with no personality of her own outside of her relationship with a man, but it is her vampire boyfriend, Broody McBroodsalot, whom I find the most annoying.

Here's my impression of Edward Cullen:  "Bella, I love you. I know I've just met you, but your blood smells really good, and I want to drink lot. Also, I hate myself.  This will become a theme.  I hate myself for that, too.  I hope you don't mind that I treat you like a child and I creepily watch you while you sleep without your permission and disable your car and get my vampire sister to hold you against your will so you can't see your friends.  It's all because I love you...and because I hate myself, and you know...haters gonna hate. Excuse me, I have to go smolder and brood and be emo now.  Gosh, I hate that I do that."

Sigh. And this is the direction DC Comics has decided is the right one for Mr. Clark Kent.   DC, if my sister gets wind of this and you break her heart, I will personally hurt every single person involved in this project.  Superman himself wouldn't be able to save you.

He'll be too busy wallowing in self loathing and shopping at the Gap to hear your cries for help.