The Mother Load

The sad part of this story is that the moron involved got away with the money he intended to steal. The happy part is that he made the news, and now I get to tell you about it. Morons are my bread and butter here at the Mother Load, people. This Thanksgiving, I will be sharing my gratitude for them just before I dig in to my turkey and ham.

Mmmmmm...ham. What was I saying?

Aha. So a man in Phoenix got the bright idea to hold up a Circle K and, not wanting security cameras to reveal his identity to police, he got the even brighter idea to put a plastic bag over his face to hide it from view. As you're probably guessing, because you are not a moron (and you read the title of this post) the robber nearly suffocated on his disguise, prompting him to rip it off and reveal himself after all.

I often ridicule movies which feature bumbling criminals I consider unrealistic.  People like this make me want to personally apologize to every studio in Hollywood.  The Wet Bandits in "Home Alone" may not have been the brightest crayons in the box, but I think they'd have understood a thing or two about keeping their airways clear for, you know, air.

Grabbing a plastic bag from my cupboard, I see where the robber got confused.  This one has a warning label that is vastly underestimating the potential for stupidity in the criminal community.  It reads: "WARNING: TO AVOID DANGER OF SUFFOCATION, KEEP THIS PLASTIC BAG AWAY FROM BABIES AND CHILDREN."  I see a robber vs Wal Mart lawsuit in the near future, don't you?

If you're in the Phoenix area and you hang around with stupid people, click the link above to the full story and check out the pictures of the robber's face.  If you recognize him as one of your buddies, you'll probably find him inside the house, running with scissors, mixing bleach and ammonia, and fashioning his ill gotten money into wings so he can fly off the roof.  Just tell him there's a stranger who wants to offer him some candy down at the police station.