The Mother Load

There are times when I come across a product I know will strike me differently depending on the mood I'm in when I review it.  The slightest flit of my fancy can raise a Stupid Product up to Awesome status or drag an Awesome Product down to the Stupid file.  Today's Stupid Product, The World's Largest Gummy Bear, is one of those, and today, it's made it on to the Stupid list.



My readers should note that it pains me greatly to relegate this five pound beast of a candy to Stupid Product status, particularly because I think the people who produced it would all have been my best friends in high school. I've spent the better part of an hour on their website, awash in the creativity and the silliness, scribbling a Christmas list with my right hand while I navigate with my left.

Alas, this product is Stupid, and I must write my review that way. I'm justifying my actions in my head by remembering three things: a) All publicity is good publicity; b) My friend, Michelle, will be buying one of these the minute she sees it on the blog; and c) I'll be reviewing another one of their products for this week's Awesome Product review, so this should absolve me of any wrongdoing in their eyes, and we can still hang out at the local coffee shop, drinking Italian sodas and studying for our AP tests together.

So what makes this product a Stupid Product (today)?

1. I'm full. I made the most amazing teriyaki chicken and noodles for dinner, feasted heartily, and now I am NOT in the mood to see people bite off a nectarine sized hunk of gummy goodness. I love all things gummy, but this looks gross. Why ya gotta make the gummy look gross? Gummies are perfect. Why did you mess with perfect, Vat19.com? Whyyyyyyyyyyyyy?

2. My fridge needs to be cleaned out. Where would I put it? I don't want to keep my candy in the fridge. I need the building blocks of my future diabetes to be portable. What's the point of creating something I can use to systematically ruin my health if I can't take it with me? Geez!

3. I've taken a look at my budget today. THIRTY DOLLARS? Do you know how many groceries I can buy for THIRTY DOLLARS? I buy a month's worth of bread products for THIRTY DOLLARS! I'm sure it costs a bit to produce, but surely the $19.99 we've all been conditioned to think is a good value would have sufficed.

4. I've been lovingly thinking of "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" today, particularly this scene:



This is one of the greatest scenes in movie history. It's one I reenact every time I have gummy bears in my possession. A five pound gummy bear would render this act impossible. Shame on you, Vat19.com. You are a killer of my dreams...and my annoying attempts at movie inspired humor.

Maybe tomorrow my stomach won't be so full, I'll choose to clean out my fridge (ha!), some money will fall from the sky (double ha!), and I'll be lovingly remembering the dandruff snow scene from "The Breakfast Club," and I'll come to my senses and realize the World's Largest Gummy Bear is an Awesome Product after all.

Actually, all Vat19.com has to do is invent me a pocket big enough to stow the thing, and I'll love this 5 pound gummy for always.

(Thanks to Mother Load reader, Stacey Bessler of Cass City, MI, for today's Stupid Product idea!)