Monday, September 27, 2010

The other evening, I was having a chat with Richard about this emptiness I've been feeling in my life lately.  There's something missing, and before that conversation, I just didn't know what it was.  A deep look inside myself gave me the answer.

"Richard, I think my life would be complete if I could just secure the purchase of a pair of used underwear signed by a narcissistic fame whore."

"Completely understandable, Sarah," he replied.  "I've been wanting something similar for the last 10 years.  I don't know where you'd find them, though."

"I know.  I guess I'll just have to fill that emptiness with cheesecake."

"Good call."

Wouldn't you know it?  I went and spent all of my used undies funds on cheesecake the very day Nadya Suleman held a yard sale and offered up her autographed unmentionables to the public.  Why, God! Whyyyyyyy!

Yea verily, I would appreciate my name being left out of this. K, thanks. -- God

So, here's the scoop.  Nadya Suleman, of jobless, spouse-less, in vitro octuplets while already having six children and being on welfare fame, is about to lose her octohouse.  She needs $450,000 within the next two weeks or the owner will begin octoforeclosure proceedings (for the second time this year).

The octomom held an octo-yard sale this past weekend, hoping to raise $10,000 towards the money she owes.  The yard sale included clothing, including the aforementioned undergarments, her children's toys and equipment, and a couch she (wait for it) was sitting on when she learned she was going to have eight babies.  Also available were pictures with Nadya (for a fee), and the bikini she wore on the cover of Us magazine in which she told the world her flat tummy was the result of good genes and exercise.  Uh huh.

Apparently, Suleman only netted $2,600 from the sale, so the foreclosure will likely march on unless someone with a giving heart and a deficit in good sense gives her the money she needs.  Apparently her book and reality show, which she'd hoped would bring in some bank are off the market due to lack of interest.  She's told the press if she loses her home, she'll have no other choice but to go on welfare again.

Let me take this story octopoint by octopoint. (No, I won't stop using "octo" at random moments.  It's too octofun.) I'll address my comments to Nadya directly.

Point 1: I've had two yard sales in my 33 years, and was happy to raise $250 from my used stuff each time.  If I needed to replace the master cylinder on my van (again), I'd hold a yard sale.  If I needed half a million dollars in 2 weeks, I would start looking for an octoapartment.  And $2,600 for yard sale stuff is as inflated as your lips, so it's nothing to sniff at.

Point 2: I wouldn't spend my hard earned cash on a real celebrity's used underwear.  Why would I want to fork it over for yours?

Point 3: The bikini you wore on the magazine cover only serves to remind the public that you really and truly think none of us has eyes or brains and that we all just believe the, "My lips/cheeks/breasts/tummy are what God gave me," line. 

Really, Sarah.  I'm not involved here. --God

Point 4: The book and TV show were probably good ideas and would have allowed you to be self sufficient (for a few weeks).  I don't know what to say about that except that when I look at your face while you talk, a part of me dies inside, and when I listen to you speak, the delusions you spout make me think I need to be taking crazy pills.  There are people in this world who would pay for that kind of experience (they find it in Vegas...and then it stays there), but I don't think there are enough to make it work.

Point 5:  We've been waiting for the day you'd announce a return to welfare since the day we all learned you'd managed to pay for in vitro while on it in the first place.  I'm not offended or outraged by this step.  Those kids need to eat, and like it or not, we all have to pitch in.  I just ask that you don't use our tax dollars for more plastic surgery (no really, we're all aware, no need to keep lying about it).  Lip work is expensive, and I just can't afford to subsidize that, okay?

And really, they look ridiculous.  I can't lie.  You were better off with the lips God gave you when you were born.

DUDE! What did I SAY? --God 


hairyshoefairy said...

Dude. Seriously? I almost have no words.

Ann Mullen said...

Gee Sarah, Your octopoints only totaled 5 that makes them pentapoints.--Annie