Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Stupid Product: The Emergency Bra

Remember when there was a shortage of duct tape because people were so afraid of impending terrorist attacks that they stockpiled it in the event that they'd need to seal off every window and door frame in their homes? Today's Stupid Product, the Emergency Bra plays on those same fears. Take a look:

I do have to hand it to the inventor of this product. She's thinking outside the bra here. Her product is fairly creative and could be practical in some situations...

But (You knew there would be one, right?) I have a few concerns.  Why don't I get them off my chest right here? (badum bum)

a) I have five kids. I have two breasts. This has never been a problem before, since each of my children came into the world at different times. If I'm with three of my children, who gets the life/health saving mask, and who gets to breathe in the toxic fumes? Can I count on other women in the vicinity whipping off their bras in service of my children, or do I need to double (or triple) up?

b) As I've mentioned on this blog before, I'm not particularly well endowed in the chestal region. Unless I'm going to be wearing much more bra than I need, my cups aren't going to protect anyone. We're not all perky C cups, people.  And thank you for pouring salt in that wound! 

c) Men will not wear the male counterpart to this product. They will not. I know this because I have met men who are men and they're just manly that way. 

d) If the bra comes apart that easily, I can only imagine it will come apart when it's not supposed to.  For women like me, that wouldn't be a problem, since we don't have enough going on underneath to make much of a difference.  I have friends, however, who count on their bras to provide firm support and who would likely injure several bystanders if their bras came undone unexpectedly.  Did anyone think about that? When you line up the odds of this bra malfunctioning and a terrorist attack occurring, it seems obvious we'd want to err on the side of the bra that doesn't just pop right out of your shirt at the slightest tug.

e) Your bra comes in two colors.  Red and red.  While I'm not opposed to red bras as a concept, I don't think I'd want to wear a red bra every single day.  And really, if you're going to fork over $30 for a bra that could save your life, you'd have to wear one every day to maximize the potential of it.  What do you propose I do when I want to wear a white top at church? I guess I could carry around a face mask on those days, but then, I could do that now and save myself the expense of one of these bras. Weird.

f) If we wear these bras, the terrorists have won.  Also, we'll make the terrorists more angry with our godless, sinful, bra-waving selves.

Pass the duct tape.