The Mother Load

Today's Stupid Product has been on the Stupid Product waiting list for as long as there have been Stupid Products on this blog.  I've waited this long to profile it because it's always felt a bit on the easy side.  I mean, with an infomercial like the one below, do I really even have to say anything?



In the interest of not alienating a good portion of my readers who actually want their hair to look like this, I will pose this Stupid Product post as a question.

Why?  I say this with love and sincerity in my heart for my bumpy haired fans.  Why?  Why do you want your hair to look like that?  Why would you buy a product that makes you look like you're part 50s housewife and part alien?  What am I missing with my bump free head?  Was I born without a bump gene?  Am I less of a woman because I wouldn't ever want to do this to my hair?

Maybe because I have naturally curly hair that is already overflowing with volume on most days, I don't understand the plight of my flat haired sisters.  I don't love my hair on a flat hair day, so I can see where you're coming from.  But it seems to me, and I'm speaking from my heart here (and my horror), that the bump solution is taking things a bit far in the other direction.  It's like curing the plague by cutting off the infected person's head.  I mean, the plague is gone, but...

Okay, I think I've figured out my problem with bumpy hair.  It comes from spending 12 years of my adulthood in Southern Utah and seeing various bumpy heads shopping at Wal Mart in groups and eating at Chuck-a-Rama in crowds.  My former St. George Spectrum readers have already caught on.  When I see a bumped hairstyle, I can't help but see this:



Yes, living 30 minutes away from the polygamist enclaves of Colorado City and Hildale turned me off of bumped hair for life.  The fact that polygamist men liked to troll the dance floor at single adult dances, hoping to convert new blood into their inbred gene pool, probably had a hand in it as well.  There was no way I was going to any social gathering looking like I was ready to don a "Little House on the Prairie" dress and take on a few sister wives. I'm a one man woman married to a one woman man, and I like to think my hair reflects that.

Speaking of men, I polled quite a few for their reaction to the Bumpits look.  Their feelings were similar to mine, only instead of saying "Why?" they were more likely to say, "Ahhhh!"  and "Yikes!"  and "Ummmmmmm..."  Basically, if you're doing this to impress a man, you're much more likely to scare the snot out of him.  I guess if you're dating a particularly snotty guy, this would be a good thing.  For normal men, not so much.

Despite everything I've said, there are probably many of you who are happy with your bumpy dos and have dismissed everything I've said because you realize I don't know a thing about style.  That's okay.  I maintain that the product is still a stupid one.  According to a good friend of mine who tried Bumpits, the contraption was always visible through her hair, no matter what she did to hide it.  So, there you go.  Even when you want to make your hair look like that, it doesn't work.

Someone should really ask the polygamists what their secret is.