Monday, January 10, 2011

Today's bit of craziness from the news world comes to us courtesy of the Newark Liberty Airport, Continental Airlines, and our BFFs over at the TSA (Tweezer Swiping Administration).  It seems a dead dog boarded a Continental flight without being subjected to radiation or having its genitals groped.  When the TSA learned the dead dog was on the plane without the proper screening, they did what they do best: called a meeting.

There was much head scratching at the airport, while officials tried to decide whether or not the plane should be diverted so the box containing the dog's remains could be scanned for bombs.  Ultimately, they decided the risk wasn't worth the expense or the time, and the plane, its lifeless cargo, and its likely clueless passengers were allowed to continue on.  Meanwhile, thousands of completely non-threatening Americans were held up at TSA checkpoints for scanning, groping, and shampoo bottle confiscation.

In an official statement, the TSA said, "Hey Continental! Want a buck?  Let me pass it to you!"

Okay, so maybe they didn't say exactly that, but I think I got the overall message.  The TSA is saying it's Continental's fault. The box was sent to the airline's cargo facility, and the airline failed to scan it, so the airline bears the responsibility for the mishap.  (Did you catch that, America? The TSA purports to keep us "safe" by scanning only humans and the bags they carry onto planes.  There is no TSA oversight for the security screenings of checked baggage.)  A full scale investigation has been launched so the TSA can pretend to be effective and the American public can pretend it feels safe in the sky once again.  Continental will likely be raising prices on all dead animal cargo and charging for seat belts just for spite.

Here's the entire story in other words (my favorite!):

A grieving dog owner needed to transport his deceased best friend via plane and told the airline he was doing so.  The airline didn't scan the dog. The plane took to the sky, and somehow, the TSA was then alerted to the dog's existence.  Official's jumped into huddle formation to "assess risk." It was determined that if the dog's gullet was, in fact, full of C-4, and the plane went down in a fiery tragedy, the TSA would not be liable for the non-prevention of the attack, ergo, the risk (to the TSA) was not enough to turn the plane around.  Backs were patted, an official statement prepared, and a time consuming and expensive witch hunt against the airline was initiated.

God bless America.


a little music said...

This may be your best bit of writing in awhile! That really has nothing to do with your writing (which is always good and fun), but more to do with the ridiculous nature of the topic!

Doesn't it make you feel better to know that your fellow travelers don't have more shampoo than you do? I know I sleep better at night knowing that others' hands will not be more moisturized than mine when we travel.