Monday, November 29, 2010

Outrageous News: "Footloose" is being remade

Ridiculous. Ludicrous. Absolutely unnecessary.

As a blogger who specializes in lampooning Stupid Products, I've seen my share of things the world doesn't need. Nobody needs a Placenta Teddy Bear. There isn't a human alive today who truly needs the Easy Toothbrush.  For sure, there isn't a dog or cat alive who needs a Rear Gear Butt Cover.  I know this because I have sense in my head, and so I feel confident in saying that just as no one needs the above Stupid Products, the world does not need a remake of the movie "Footloose". Why? See below:


As you can see, this DVD is in excellent condition. The actors listed are all still alive and all gave fine performances in the film.  Copies of the movie can be found anywhere movies are sold.  It's complete, intact, and as beautiful as the day the film was released in 1984, right down to Kevin Bacon smoldering at me from the cover.  Hello, Kevin. You're looking young and handsome today.  I like to dance, too.  You can come shake up my town any time you want.

Apparently, this film has been in the works for most of the year, so maybe you'd already heard about it.  I thank you for trying to shield me from the terrible news. Unfortunately, the internet spilled the beans, and I was not saved from the torment of such a travesty.  My immediate reaction was to cut loose and kick off my Sunday shoes and aim them at the head of the director.  Alas, he chose not to film in Utah like his predecessor.  That was wise.  This is a death penalty state, after all.

The original actor hired to play the Kevin Bacon character, some television actor named Not Kevin Bacon, ditched the project shortly after it began, probably because he realized he was not Kevin Bacon and had no business attempting to play the role.  A new actor named Wishes He Were Kevin Bacon has stepped in, parading around in all his blasphemous glory, pretending (badly) to be Kevin Bacon.  Rounding out the cast are the actors I'm No John Lithgow, Dianne Weist if You Squint, Never, Ever, Ever Going to be as Cool as Lori Singer, and What Do You Mean, I'm Not Sarah Jessica Parker.  May God have mercy on their careers.

While I have absolutely no intention of ever setting eyes on this ridiculously unnecessary piece of cinema, I will try to be a good blogger and refrain from judging any of my readers who venture out to the movie house in a fit of morbid curiosity and see this movie.  Emphasis on try.  Note, I did not say I would try very hard.

In the meantime, I will amuse myself with this bit of Kevin Bacon awesomeness and know that no one, but no one, will ever be Ren McCormack but the man who is only a few degrees of separation from everyone.  I love you, Kevin.


Bevin @ said...

I heard Zac Efron was going to be in it. I cringe.

Cindy at LottieBird said...

The only redeeming factor for the new FL is that it was filmed in my hometown (Acworth, GA) and the possibility of seeing my friends on the screen. They camped out for days in hopes of being extras and seeing Kevin Bacon. Imagine their disappointment...