Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Stupid Product: The Stand2Pee Instructional DVD

(Author's warning: The website hawking today's Stupid Product includes a video YouTube has flagged due to questionable content. I was questioning whether to add it anyway, so no loss. Watch at your own risk. Also, this blog post contains the word "penis" which I don't think is a problem, as that is the correct term for that part of the male body. If you think the word is obscene, feel free to replace it in your mind with whatever word you normally use.  Just be sure to giggle like an 11 year old after you do that.)

Folks, I've spent every day of my life as a woman.  9 months in the womb, I was a ball of womanhood just waiting to be born.  Prior to that, well, my beliefs tell me I was a woman then, too.  I have never been ashamed of this fact.  Being a woman is something I very much enjoy, and no man on earth will ever manage to make me feel less than for it.

So ladies, I would appreciate it if you didn't try to bring me down, either.

By "ladies," I'm thinking specifically of the women involved in the making of today's Stupid Product, the Stand2Pee Instructional Video. This is a product produced by women and marketed by women on the presumption that most women are not happy with what nature gave them in the urination department. Here's a snippet from their website (grammatical errors left in because I'd get a hand cramp typing [sic] that many times):

The ability to pee standing up is a skill most women have wished they could do at various times in their life. Most women gave up this dream as a toddler when attempting to copy a boy, it ended miserably and your mother chastised you by saying only boys can do that.

Ah, the tortured dreams of every three year old girl resurrected in a snap by a $20 DVD.  Yes, ladies, your mothers stomped on your hopes and forced you to become less than every man, but you too can rise to your peeing potential!

You know, there's a phrase for the phenomenon they're describing there.  It's called penis envy, and it came from the debunked and cocaine infused theories of one Sigmund Freud.  As a psychology major, I must learn Freudian theory as a cautionary tale, a stepping stone to psychological theories based on true, peer reviewed research.  As a woman, I must work hard not to vomit on my shoes as I learn it.  I am no fan of Freud, unless we're talking about the character on "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure."

When I was three, I'm pretty sure I dreamed of being Wonder Woman.  I don't remember ever wanting to urinate while standing, and I can't think of many instances in my life when I've felt God dealt me an unfair hand because I have to sit or squat.  Now hear this: Sarah Clark is okay with the sitting and the squatting.  (Add that sentence to the list of things I never thought I'd say...DONE!)

Taking a gander at the website's FAQs, I see that someone has wondered why she can't just learn this skill on her own and avoid paying for a DVD to show her how. The response to this? That would be as ill advised as a person teaching herself how to fly an airplane.  AN AIRPLANE!  The maker of this video has elevated herself to the level of a flight instructor.  She also points out that the video doesn't only teach the technical skills. It also helps break down the psychological barriers a woman faces in learning upright urination.  Please see my thoughts two paragraphs up about what this woman does not understand about psychology.   

If you're a woman interested in learning this skill, feel free to fork over the cash, but I'm telling you, you only need to goof around in a shower a few times to see how easy it actually is.  Not that I've done that... More than anything, I want women to know that we're a-ok the way we are.  You don't have to be ashamed of your equipment, no matter how much the (and I quote the website) "pre-eminent global expert on Stand2Pee" thinks you should.

(Thanks to Jenn R. of Chubbuck, ID, for today's Stupid Product idea. I'd like to also thank Jenn for helping me to realize there is a real place in my country named Chubbuck.  I can die happy now.)


Olivia said...

Well...if you have ever had to squat on the side of a freeway like I did the other night, this doesn't sound half bad. Hell, I spent $20 buying a copy of a crappy Tom Cruise movie a few weeks ago, so what the heck! You call it stupid, I think it's pretty innovative. I mean sneakers and jeans were designed for men and women wear then now; girls wear a cup when they play hockey and we are able to fly in the Air Force, so why not learn to pee standing up?!

Sketchbox said...

For a contrary masculine viewpoint, I think it completely acceptable to sit and drain holding tank with lazy abandon.
When I get up in the morning, the last thing I want to do is turn on the bathroom light. The second-to-last thing I want to do is paint the walls transparent yellow.
Sitting has its advantages. Even if you have a built-in firehose.
Also, the word verification for my comment is "recyste". Pretty damn sure nobody wants a cyst in the first place, of any variety, much less a re-cyst. Someone could make candy zits and sell them in 50-count bags. Recyst Pieces.

Anonymous said...

Have you ever heard of live and let live. If women want to learn this skill, surely it is their business. If you have ever read simone de beaviour, the second sex, you would realise that men standing and women squatting is only a modern western custom. I believe women in West Africa stand topee. Using a device or female urinary device maybe suggesting penis envy but not if tit is something we can all do naturally.

Anonymous said...

Have you watched the dvd? Maybe you should before you comment on it. At least watch it and tell us why the video is stupid.