The Mother Load

Mom, today I learned the people at our favorite cafe crack me up.

I remember a day in the 4th grade when my class was learning about advertising.  Why were we learning about advertising and not history or science or math?  Who knows?  We were given the assignment of creating an imaginary product, then writing and presenting a commercial for that product.

That was the day that a usually quiet and unassuming boy named Cody Driver blew us all out of the water with his Billy Mays impersonation.  Since this was at least 15 years before anyone would ever hear Billy Mays do his infomercial schtick, that was pretty impressive.

The product Cody created was "The Amazing Driver Underwear!" or as he put it: "The Amaaaazing Driiiiiiiiver Underweeeeaaaaar!"  He strode around our desks, enthusiastically shouting the various uses of his invention.  "You can swim in them! You can skate in them!  You can even pick your nose with them!"  Needless to say, he got an A on his assignment.

I couldn't stop thinking about Cody as I checked out the website of this week's Stupid Product.  I think my exact words upon seeing Handerpants: Underpants for Your Hands! was, "Uhhhhhhh...whaaaaaa...are they...ooooooookay."  Just...just...just watch the video.



Handerpants come from Archie McPhee and Co., so they are categorized as a novelty product.  However, as I said in the LED Toilet seat review, being a novelty product does not exempt you from Stupid Product status.  This is true of Handerpants. 

I can't get the image of Cody Driver hawking his magical underwear out of my head when I think of Handerpants.  Both products are undergarments promoted by loud people who say their product can do anything.  The difference between Handerpants and The Amazing Driver Underwear is that Cody was a 4th grader and understood that a good joke is just that.  He didn't actually expect to sell his product to anyone.

I think that's where Handerpants head over into Stupid Product territory.  The video is funny.  The concept is funny.  Ask me to pay 12 bucks plus shipping for a pair, and you've officially become stupid.

Also, I can swim in them.  I can skate in them.  But I can't pick my nose with them.  Archie McPhee, you should have hired Cody.

(Thanks for Jennifer G. for the heads up on Handerpants!)

Just about 24 hours ago, I noticed that I was a mere 9 fans away from reaching the 100 fan mark on my Facebook fan page.  Feeling saucy and a bit delirious because of the late hour, I challenged my fans to find me 9 more.  If I made it to 100 fans by New Year's Day, I would post a video on youtube of me singing the National Anthem while standing on my head.  As of 9:30 pm this evening, 17 new fans had joined the page. 

Fans, you rock!

I don't have a video for you yet, but I can tell you one was made and will be emailed to me in the next day or two. I learned a lesson tonight.  I don't have the first clue how to do a proper headstand!  When I made the challenge, I kept thinking I'd done this before.  Apparently, I have not.  I think I just remembered my mom losing a bet and doing this and figured if she could do it, so could I.

Mom, I am not worthy.  All I managed to do on my own was put my head on the floor and my butt in the air and laugh hysterically.  I did this in a packed bowling alley, where I'd gone for a Girls' Night Out with my MOFia friends.  (More on the MOFs here).  A couple of my more nimble sisters demonstrated the art of the headstand for me, but all that taught me was how thin, flexible women with good core muscles do a headstand.  A couple more failed attempts later, Lara and Meagan (or was it Malisa...it's so hard to know when all you can see is carpet) each grabbed a leg and held it on the wall while I screamed/laughed/sang the first few bars of the "Star Spangled Banner."  Alas, we didn't manage to hold the position for much longer than "twilight's last gleaming."

I'll be putting the video of the failed attempt on youtube and posting it here, but I'll also be going back to the drawing board to do it again and do it right.  We made a deal, and I intend to keep my end of it...even if I have to hire someone with a waterproof camera and do the headstand in a pool.  I actually have an idea that involves wrapping my feet around the pipes that hang from the ceiling above my bed.  I'm also considering wedging my toes in the hanger rod in my bedroom closet.  As Blogger is my witness, fans, you will get your video!

More than anything, though, I want to say a big THANK YOU! to all the Mother Load fans who spread the word and helped bump my fan base up!  Keep it up.  Once the headstand videos are up, I'll make the next fan goal...500 this time...and I'll let you guys suggest what crazy antics you'd like to see me perform.  (I really, really, really hope you don't ask me to eat a lot of chocolate...or sushi...or cheesecake.  That would be the WORST!)

So, to sum up:  Headstands are hard!  You guys came through.  I'm working on it.  Please know, I wouldn't stand on my head for anyone else in the world.

Except maybe Weird Al...

Or Will Smith...

Or the ghost of Gene Roddenberry...