The Mother Load

All over Facebook, the blogosphere, and on message boards I frequent, my friends are making and sharing their New Year's Resolutions. It's a wonderful, inspirational season of self improvement.

And I'm having none of it.

None. Of. It.

I could cite the usual reasons someone forgoes the yearly goal setting ritual.

- No one keeps them anyway.
- They're the same resolutions I've made for 20 years.
- Everyone else is doing it, and I want to pretend I'm unique by being exactly like all the other people NOT doing it.
- I'm lazy and I know it.

But those aren't the reasons this year. Fact is, I have a really good resolution track record. I'm not particularly lazy. I don't really care if it's the in or out thing to do. 

I don't want to make any resolutions because I had a long, hard, sometimes excruciatingly stressful 2012 and you know what? We made it. We survived. We thrived. We kicked 2012's giant ugly butt.  (And I know from giant butts. I own a mirror.)

You don't look at a new year and say, "How can I be better?" when you just showed the last one who was boss. When prime athletes win a championship and someone asks them what they're going to do next, they don't say, "I'm going to run a marathon!" or "I'm going to climb Mount Everest!" No. They say, "I'm going to DISNEYLAND!" because they're smart enough to know they earned a well-deserved break.

I have no desire to go to Disneyland, but I'm taking a break from the resolving and the improving, at least of the purposeful variety.

Some people might respond to a post like this with the old adage, "You're either moving forward or backward. There's no standing still."  These are people who have never heard of momentum. Buddy, I just circumnavigated the earth three times while you were taking a leisurely stroll to your mailbox. I couldn't stop moving forward now if I tried.

Because someone in my readership NEEDS to hear me resolve to do something, I present for your perusal (not your approval, because...2012) my 2013 Un-New Year's list of 13 Un-Resolutions.

1. Burn my tongue at least twice a month.

2. Profile Netflix as an Awesome Product whenever they have what I'm looking for. Profile it as a Stupid Product when they don't.

3. Say what I *really* think on Facebook. Then like my own posts. Then drink hot cocoa with a cheer whenever I'm unfriended.

4. Compose an unfriend drinking song to go with the hot cocoa mentioned above.

5. Watch everything I'm already watching but at a higher volume. On the lawn.


6. Quit shopping at Wal Mart on principle...except when I can't help it.


7. Email bomb Wal Mart corporate with complaints as penance for weak moments.


8. Go to Disneyland unless I can't.


9. Pretend I'm in Disneyland until I get sued.


10. Glue stuff to other stuff. Hijinks!


11. Steal Aaron's "Keep Out! Don't Enter!" sign from his door and put it on mine. Laugh at myself for thinking it might work.


12. Stay up too late. Sleep in too long. Lather, rinse, repeat.


13. Kick 2013's butt like the ninja I am.