The Mother Load

So, I'm turning 35 in a week.  35.  For the most part, I'm okay with this.  I've never been one to lie about my age or pretend I'm younger than I am.  As much as I complain about getting old, I actually don't mind it that much.  I mean, I was a child of the Cold War 80s who imagined Ronald Reagan with his finger perpetually on the big button.  I thought I'd die in a nuclear attack before I was 16.  Every year after that has been a wonderful surprise.

But there's something about 35.  It is, sad to say, a milestone in the marketing world.  From the time I was 18 until now, my views on the world mattered.  My television habits mattered. My opinion on just about everything most certainly mattered...at least to the people who sell stuff.  I've been in the "coveted" 18-34 year old demographic for as long as I've been an adult, and in one week, all of that changes.

I could write this blog post about how the population is getting older and how older people matter more than marketers think, but that would be boring.  It would lend credence to the argument that boring old people aren't the types to which you want to market anything other than Geritol and blood pressure medication.

Nah, I know when I'm licked.  Mother Earth and Father Time have conspired against me, and there's just no stopping that.  I think they're getting kickbacks from Nike and MTV, but what can you do, right?  It's time to face the fact that in one week, no one will care whether or not I watch "The X Factor" (I don't) or love the Whitman Sampler Dark Chocolate Assortment (I DO!).  I am preparing myself for marketing oblivion, and that's okay.

But first...

Hey, I'm not 35 yet.  I have one more week of relevance, and today, I'm going to use it!  That's right. This 34 year old is about to tell you what she thinks!  Marketers, are you listening?  It's all here...the coveted opinions and shopping choices of a bonafide 34 year old.  A woman in her prime.  A shopper, watcher, and thinker you've been tracking.  In a week, I'll be older than dirt, but today, my friends, today I am a young adult, and I am speaking.  Hear me, oh great marketing conglomerates.

Dogs vs cats:  Cats...because dogs are slobbery, loud, they don't clean up after themselves, and they need babysitters.  If I wanted to have another child, I would have kept my uterus.

Denny's vs Ihop: Denny's.  The Ihop in Lawton, Oklahoma was damaged twice when I was a child, first by a tornado and then by a fire.  I think that track record speaks for itself.  God obviously wants me to go to Denny's.

The Walking Dead vs Once Upon a Time:  Once Upon a Time.  I tried The Walking Dead.  Riveting stuff.  I just need to be able to go into my basement and move laundry without carrying a gun.  I'd be willing to pack heat while checking the dryer, but I don't own a gun, so no more zombie television for me.  I toyed with the idea of disposable clothing, but Richard nixed that.  He also wasn't a fan of sleeping with the lights on.

Creamy or chunky: It depends.  If we're talking about cats, I'd say chunky.  If we're talking about peanut butter, I'd say chunky.

BYU vs University of Utah:  I don't understand the question.  Are there people who would choose BYU?

Butter vs margarine:  Butter...because, come on.  It's butter.

US Postal Service vs Fed Ex: Email.

McDonald's vs Burger King:  Either, but only if poison control told me I needed to induce vomiting immediately.

The Daily Show vs The Colbert Report: This choice is like Netflix vs Hulu. I like them both for different reasons.  I watch The Daily Show because it's hilarious.  I watch The Colbert Report because it's super hilarious.

Lol or ROFL: Either way, I'm really just chuckling quietly through my nose.

Republican vs Democrat: I'm an Independent, which means I can't stand either, which means I want to vote "None of the above," which means I wish Richard Pryor were still alive, which means I know that movie reference, which means I'm too old for marketers to care about what I have to say.

(Shhhhh...don't tell.)