The Mother Load

As I write today's Outrageous News post, my sympathetic nervous system has kicked into high gear.  I perceive a threat to my way of life and my future livelihood, and evolution has prompted the release of catecholamine hormones like adrenaline into my system.  If my parasympathetic nervous system doesn't kick in soon to calm me down, somebody might get hurt.  (Okay, or I might run away, but considering how much  I don't like to run, fight is much more likely than flight in my case.)

Wow, Sarah. Those are some pretty big words! Where did you learn all of that?

Oh, me?  Why, I learned it all at the University of Utah, where I'm currently a senior finishing up my Degree to Nowhere, also known as Waste of Time 101, otherwise denoted as a Bachelor of Science in You'll Never Get a Job So Why Even Try?  My professors call it a psychology degree, but what do they know, right?  They couldn't possibly know more about their field than Utah State Senator 
Howard Stephenson, who thinks my college degree will lead to nothing worth all the money and time I've spent on it.

Stephenson declared my degree a degree to nowhere as a way of highlighting his love and devotion to applied technology schools in my state. (And his distaste for the fact that the other senators think those schools should have their budgets cut the same as my school.)  Despite the fact that Mr. Stephenson seems to have done just fine with his own BS in Psychology and a Masters in Public Administration, he thinks my university is pulling to wool over my poor little naive eyes, and I'm certain to decide my degree is one great big disappointment when I graduate and realize there isn't a single job to be found.

The funny thing about that... As a person who is pretty good at looking for jobs, I decided I should help the poor senator out and find the jobs he hasn't been able to find.  Five minutes into an online search, I found 3 positions which opened within the last day or two that require a bachelors degree in psych or a related field.  I found four others open to candidates with graduate work in psychology.  There are likely countless others I didn't find because I wanted to narrow my search to one particular employer in order to prove a point.

The employer?  The state of Utah.

That's right, Mr. Stephenson.  The state...you know...the one that pays you to be a senator...employs people with "degrees to nowhere."  Apparently, the government hasn't gotten the memo that Utah is nowhere.  Do you know who else employs psychology grads?  Research labs, marketing departments, treatment centers, counseling offices, colleges, clinics, corporations, and factories.

Maybe Stephenson got his MPA because he finished up his psych degree and couldn't find work he wanted to do, and that experience has forever tainted his view of that education.  I respectfully offer that without that useless degree, he would never have gotten into graduate school in the first place.  It's kind of a building block situation, you know?  You fill out the grad school application and under the "Did you successfully complete your degree to nowhere?" question, you have to mark yes or they won't even give you an interview.

Would I have more guarantee of a job if I had gone to an applied technology college?  That's debatable, but even in the midst of a recession, Stephenson seems to think I would.  Do I want an applied technology job? No.  No, I can't say that I do.  Would having an applied technology job make up for the fact that I don't want an applied technology job?  Everyone but a certain senator probably knows the answer to that one.

Thanks for the rallying cry in favor of an ATC education and for your note of caution about my degree.  I think I'll stick with the plan, if it's all the same to you.  I just trust all my professors...you know...the ones making money with their degrees to nowhere...

When you embark on a new way of eating, this often involves the sacrifice of components of your previous diet. Newly converted vegetarians say goodbye to all things meat. Vegans go completely cruelty free. Raw foodists begin to use their ovens for decorative purposes only.

For people like me who are suddenly interested in controlling unnecessary carb and fat intake, well, about half of what we used to eat is no longer okay.

The amazing(?) thing about America is that no one has to go without their favorite things, no matter what diet they happen to be adopting. Whether you're giving up meat, dairy, sugar, or white flour, someone, somewhere has worked his or her entire life to create a suitable(?) substitute.

When you're new to the diet thing, substitutions are welcome. It's not about the food, of course. Oh, no. You just want the experience. I don't want pasta. I just want to feel like a real Italian mom. I don't want hot chocolate. I just want that special time with my husband at our favorite corner cafe. I don't want a burger.  Wait...no, I do want a burger.  Dang.
 
After days of being strong, avoiding the processed, unhealthy, fatty, or sugar laden foods Americans eat too much of, someone presents you with an alternative.  You CAN have your organic, gluten free, sugar free, flax seed-filled, omega 3 cake and eat it too! 

The first time someone told me a substitute was available...well, it was magical.

"Honey! The cafe has sugar free hot chocolate!"

"Really?  Sugar free?"

"YES! Made with Pegasus wings and unicorn horns and blessed by a shaman!  What are you waiting for?! Get your coat on!  I want to have an experience with you right now!"

Did you ever watch "Lost"?  Do you remember when they created a little golf course on the island where they blew off steam driving rounded rocks across a meadow all the while knowing they could die a gruesome death at any minute, what with all the smoke monsters, the Others, fully loaded guns, crazy, recently disabled survivalists with one kidney, and Matthew Fox's frequently overflowing tears?

Eating a substitute food is like that.  Only death equals melancholy and the various island dangers equal taste...or the lack thereof.

Some substitutions are better than others.  The whole grain pasta I just had with my lunch tastes pretty close to the real thing.  Sugar free hot chocolate? It's filled with Dr. Shepard's tears and smoke monster vomit.  I think there's a stone golf ball and a nuclear warhead in there too...and a bit of the ranch dressing Hurley kept hoarding.

Okay, maybe that's the crazy me talking.  It's probably not that bad.  It just isn't hot chocolate.

And therein lies the truth of the whole matter.  People can sell you fake food and tell you it's like the original, but if you have taste buds, you'll know a phony before it reaches your tonsils.  Substitutions are not the real thing. They don't taste like the real thing.  They should never be called the real thing.

Case in point: Turkey bacon.  I know bacon.  You don't get to be my weight without a very up close and personal relationship with bacon.  You just don't.  Turkey bacon is not bacon.  It should not ever be called bacon.  It should be called turkey strip of rubbery, salted chewiness that can be used in placed of crispy, delicious, mouthwatering bacon but could never aspire to be bacon itself.  I call it NOTbacon for short.

(Reminds me of that kid who's going to fill the lead role in the "Footloose" remake.)

BUT, and this is a really big one (like mine!), once you settle in to the fact that a substitute is not the real thing, it CAN have a place in your diet.  It's all about strategy.  NOTbacon on the side of your whole wheat pancakes and egg white omelet?  No go.  NOTbacon hidden in a lovingly made NBLT?  Lovely!

Non fat, dairy free cream cheese as part of a plain cheesecake? BLECH!  Hidden among berries, raw honey, and a whole wheat pastry?  Mmmmmmm!

And what of the sugar free hot chocolate?  That's going to be one of those things I just let go.  It tastes awful, and there are other things I can do to have a quiet experience with my husband.  Sharing a frozen yogurt, for instance.


Besides, I've offered the sugar free hot chocolate to the smoke monster in exchange for tracking skills, and there is just no beating that!

If you have access to network television, I guess you know about a show called "Community".  Maybe you've even watched an episode or two.  I'd not actually heard of the show before finding this gem, as I haven't had TV since January 2006.  (Do I mention our proudly TV free lifestyle a lot?  It's because I'm proud.)

This clip is not enough to make me give up five years of a very good thing, but it is enough for me to consider reinstating my Netflix membership in order to watch this show on DVD.  You give props to LeVar Burton, and I will love you forever.  That is a fact with a capital LaForge.  I have butterflies in the sky chasing each other around my stomach just watching this.  (Note: I might be persuaded to give TV another chance if PBS reinstated Reading Rainbow.)

LeVar, it's good see you again.  If I ever met you in person, I would react the same way.