The Mother Load

I've been a vegetarian for seven months now. Tomorrow marks the first Thanksgiving holiday that will have me cooking but not eating Thanksgiving turkey and ham. I'll cook the meat for my omnivore children and save the leftovers in our freezer, so I can pull them out for the types of meat-optional meals I've been cooking this year.

One thing I won't be cooking tomorrow? Tofurky.

Now, I'm a fan of tofu. I've liked it since long before I made the decision to go meat free. Alone and raw, it's reminiscent of a square of soggy joint compound, but cubed and added to soups or cooked up in a stir fry or pasta dish, the stuff can be quite yummy. Do I think that only because I haven't had bacon in seven months? Who knows?

Point is, I like tofu. Tofu is my friend.  Tofu and I? We're like THIS!



Tofu based fake meat products?



Eh...not so much.

See, I'm one of those vegetarians who doesn't miss meat so much they need to eat fake stuff in order to pretend they're still meat eaters.  Contrary to the beliefs of some, I don't sit around wishing I could gnaw on a sinewy rib or chow down on chicken nuggets.  I guess there are vegetarians who feel that way, and that's why things like Tofurky exist.  I'm just not one of those vegetarians. 

And even if I were...have you SEEN Tofurky?  It looks like...how do I say this delicately?  It looks like a distended, discolored, disembodied uterus filled with stuffing.  Would you want to eat stuffed uterus?  I didn't think so.  I mean...I don't want to eat animals because they're animals.  WHY would I want to eat something that looks vaguely human in origin?

I will give the Tofurky people credit.  Tofurky ingredients aren't as bad as those you might see in some fake meat products (Boca Burgers, I'm looking at you, here).  But still...one thing I've learned as a newly initiated herbivore is that there is an entire world of food out there.  I don't need to eat inside the American box anymore, and I certainly don't need to eat fake food to make my plate conform to an old tradition.

Thanksgiving may be all about the turkey for most, but it's all about the family for me.  And I love my family too much to make them watch me eat a processed blob of falsehood made of soy and wheat gluten.  Hey, I'm a mom who loves her kids.  That's just how I roll.

Speaking of rolling... Conan gave his take on Tofurky below, and I laughed until I cried.  Watch it. Love it. Share it. 

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!