The Mother Load

Published December 30, 2007
St. George Spectrum & Daily News

It's New Year's Resolution time again. For me, that means it's time to find another creative way to write another New Year's Resolution column. Lucky for you, I'm a creative gal, and I'm, uh, resolved.

If you sensed hesitance in that last sentence (hey...that almost rhymed), it's because my New Year's Resolution for this year requires a great deal of growth and change for me. A procrastinator by nature, I've lived my life by a well loved motto: Never put off for tomorrow what you can put off until 2008. Until last Thursday, I thought I had plenty of time. Then I looked at a calendar. Aw, dang.

That baby with the 2008 banner is ready to high-five the old man of '07, and I'm sitting here like I'm taking the SATs with a kindergarten education. When you put things off the way I do, the day of reckoning comes at you like a freight train full of Twinkie wrappers and pink leotards...or like a hastily composed simile: it makes sense on some level, but ultimately, it's makes you fear for your brain cells. (Anyone wanting to draw a parallel to the above and my writing style can go take a New Year's flying leap.)

I've had to leave my computer to get air and do a guided relaxation exercise eight times already, and I'm only four paragraphs into this column. With a few more deep breaths for good measure, I will share the things I will finally get done this year.

-I will change the name on my social security card. I remember this every year at tax time when I have to wait two beats to make sure I sign my maiden name, Sarah E. Braudaway. That thought is always punctuated by the shocked screams of the tax preparer saying, "You got married WHEN?" Considering I got married and changed my name to Wilson 12 years ago, that said marriage ended two years ago, and that I plan to change my name to Clark sometime this year, I'm putting my visit to the social security office at the top of my list.

-I will buy a pie server. Well, if that's what you call one of those wedge shaped spatulas. It may not seem like a big deal, but years and years of Thanksgiving pies don't lie. Forks don't work. Regular spatulas don't work. Garden spades work okay, but they make the pie a little crunchy.

-I will learn to sew. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. (I needed a little comic relief to ease the tension.)

-I will have my wisdom teeth removed. Yes, I'm 31 years old now and should have had them out by the time I turned 21. I've been hanging on to them because I was hoping to glean a little wisdom from them before giving them up. So far, all I've gleaned is pain and a chance to use the word "glean." It's nice, but it's outlived it usefulness.

-I will develop and print all the pictures I have taken over the last 8 years. This is actually a two part goal, because the cost of printing all those photos will require me to either win the lottery or get another job. I'm willing to work part-time buying lottery tickets in case anyone's looking.

There are a few more, but I'm still in denial. As a woman who's raised procrastination to an art form, this makes the 19 mile, 13 hour Half Dome hike I did this year look like (insert hastily worded simile here). The good news is that I have an extra pair of hands to help. Lucky for me, 2008 will mean marrying the best friend I've had since I was 17, so the two of us can pound these goals out pretty quickly, I think. As long as he's not a procrastinator like me, we're golden!

Wait...he took nearly 14 years to give me the kiss he wanted to give me the night we met. Aw, dang.