The Mother Load

Published December 9, 2007
St. George Spectrum & Daily News

You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout. I'm telling you why...Santa Claus is coming to town, all right, and according to the song, he's got a twice-checked list in that sleigh. Which column did you make this year?

It's a shame we don't find these things out until the big day. Sure, most people SHOULD know if they've been naughty or nice throughout the year, but I'm willing to bet there will be a large portion of the population on Christmas morning standing, jaws slack in absolute shock, beholding stockings filled not with chocolate and perfume but ugly lumps of coal.

The good news is that I've joined forces with Santa Claus this year to give certain citizens the heads up. Don't mistake this information as a chance at absolution. It's too late for that. There is no such thing as deathbed confession when it comes to the big guy in red. You've had all year to do right by society. We just thought perhaps the advanced notice would give you a head start on making a change for 2008.

Man in large truck who nearly rammed my car as he was driving out of a parking lot last night, then honked at ME like it was my fault: NAUGHTY. Sure, people make careless errors on the road all the time. A wave and a sheepish smile might have gotten you on the nice list, buddy. May Karma flatten your tires.

Person who stole the cash in my wallet: NAUGHTY. You're not even getting the coal treatment. Santa's bringing you every smelly diaper I've changed since becoming a mother. That's five smelly bottoms in quick succession. Have fun with that. The man who found my wallet and took great pains to find me and return it is, of course, on the top of the nice list. He gets every hug and kiss I've been given since becoming a mother.

Richard Simmons: NAUGHTY. Your song "It's the Most Fattening Time of the Year," is in no way amusing or motivational. If I want to chow down on pie and egg nog until I have to be rolled from a room, I'll do so without your commentary, thank you. The management of the radio station which played this song at the precise moment I was taking a bite of my lovely chocolate chip muffin have also made the naughty list. To the makers of the muffin: You are nice...so very, very nice.

Britney Spears: NAUGHTY. Not that I've ever considered you an upstanding citizen, but woman, what happened to you? Are you out of your mind? A) You're a mother. Act like it. B) White trash is not the new urban chic, no matter what your stylist tells you. C) The charcoal would be very useful in ridding the narcotics from your system, so make use of it. Just a thought.

The United States Congress: NAUGHTY. If I wanted nothing but whining, arguing, and stonewalling to happen, I'd have sent my children to Washington and told them it was time to clean their rooms. Santa and I are taking the next pay raise you vote yourselves and sending you all to obedience school.

I know. It's never nice to find out you're on the naughty list, but take heart. The new year is less than a month away. You have a chance, a real chance, to make something of yourselves. All is not lost. There is hope. Unless, of course, you're the inventors the of Wii.

Santa has a whole other list for you, and it involves fire ants and Barry Manilow music.