Sunday, August 9, 2009

It's National Read the Mother Load Day!

Published August 9, 2009
St. George Spectrum & Daily News

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been fascinated by the human desire to designate dates for the commemoration of the mundane. Some might remember a column in which I extolled the wonders of National Underwear Day. Others will recall that one of my dreams in life is to be the person who gets to designate the days. (If I were given that job, every day would be National Give Your Humor Columnist Chocolate Day, but I won’t be telling them that in the interview.)

While I don’t have that job, I’m still a National Fill in the Blank Day enthusiast, always on the lookout for a reason to celebrate something no one else would think to celebrate. The fact that these designations often lead to column ideas and to subsequent dollars in my pocket is merely a bonus.

Would you like to know what we’re celebrating this month? I thought you would. The last thing you want to do is miss the memo that it’s National Capri Pants Day and walk out of your house in jeans. Only slightly more embarrassing would be to dress in pink camouflage on National Purple Camouflage Day. I did that last year, and let’s just say there are still neighbors with whom I avoid eye contact.

According to an insightful list on, August is Admit You’re Happy Month! Come on, all you people in the throes of depression, August knows you’re really happy deep down, so why not drop the façade and grin a little?

While you’re at it, you should smile all the way to your optometrist, because it’s also National Eye Exam Month. While you’re there, invite the kindly eye doctor out for a National Golf Month round of 18 holes and make him/her aware that it’s Romance Awareness Month. By next year, you could both be celebrating National Family Fun Month with a little National Catfish Month catch in the National Water Quality Month river while have a National Picnic Month meal with lots of Peach Month cobbler.

But I’m being too general. The real action is in the daily designations. For instance, today is Book Lover’s Day. If you’re not a book lover, please find some way, medical or otherwise, of knocking yourself unconscious until tomorrow: Lazy Day. Workaholics need not worry about tomorrow as they’re all still high from Work Like a Dog Day on the 5th and haven’t even noticed the passage of time.

I know I’ll be lighting a candle on Middle Child’s Day, August 12th, and venting my frustrations over my childhood in free verse, which I will save for August 18th: Bad Poetry Day. If I manage to stop wallowing in time (Come on, Sarah, admit you’re happy!), I’ll participate in Ride the Wind Day on the 23rd. I don’t know exactly how one rides the wind, but I’m hoping it doesn’t have anything to do with Vesuvius Day on the 24th.

I wonder if anyone bothered to notice that August 2nd was International Forgiveness Day and August 27th is Global Forgiveness Day. I’m not sure what to make of that. Perhaps the 2nd was the day people of all countries forgave each other and the 27th is the day people of all countries forgive the globe? “Earth, you’re not a true sphere…but…I forgive you.”

I’m more than a little concerned about Just Because Day, also on the 27th. You might see doting husbands buying their wives flowers “just because,” but I see an endless parade of sucker punches, wet willies, and atomic wedgies “just because.” It really could go either way, folks. This is what happens when you let someone else designate the days…

Just give me the chocolate, and everything will be all right.