The Mother Load

Published January 25, 2009
St. George Spectrum & Daily News

My husband and I were talking the other day about the nonexistent advances in technology that were promised by the science fiction writers of yesteryear. It’s 2009…it’s the Future… and I see no flying cars. There are no pills that become a five course meal when a drop of water is added. Sidewalks everywhere (except in airports) are still stationary. My arm is not robotic nor in any way capable of mass destruction or world domination.

As a kid, I devoured volumes of Isaac Asimov, Ray Bradbury, and Arthur C. Clarke for some hint as to what I could expect from my life as an adult. By now, I expected I’d be living in a colony on some distant planet, studying quantum mechanics and playing rousing games of hover tennis in my state of the art space suit while sipping the latest version of Tang through a hose.

I would harrumph with a great big, “WHAT GIVES?” if it weren’t for the latest technological innovation in my life. I’d like to tell you about my new cell phone. Actually, cell phone isn’t quite right. It’s a phone. It’s a modem. It’s the internet. It’s a TV. It’s a camera and a camcorder and a planner and an mp3 player. When I’m working on my online college classes, it’s my classroom. When I need to create documents, spreadsheets, and even Power Point presentations, it’s my office.

In fact, this entire column was written on my phone. I thumb-typed my way through every paragraph, hooked my phone up to my computer with my handy USB cable, and uploaded my column into Mother Load history.

I have to admit, when my old phone died and my carried told me it would be cheaper for me to upgrade, I didn’t even glance at the list of features. The phone was free. The phone was pink. That’s all I needed to know. It wasn’t until I opened the box and started skimming through the welcome packet that I realized what an amazing piece of technology I’d just had delivered to my door.

Some of you out there are wondering what all the fuss is about. You’ve had a phone like this for ages. It’s not terribly new technology. Some of you have better phones…phones that sort your mail and pay your bills and fold your laundry. You’re thinking, “What’s this chick all excited about?”

I get that. You just have to understand that to me, this phone is the equivalent of driving my flying car over a moving sidewalk while preparing Thanksgiving dinner with a pill and a drop of water and dominating the world with my robotic arm. This phone might as well be my space colony, my hover tennis paddle, my hose full of Tang. This phone is proof positive that I, Sarah Clark, am indeed living in the FUTURE. I…am…FutureWoman!

Knowing that the future is now opens up a world of things I need to do. I’ve already started a new task list in my phone’s planner. 1. Prepare for first contact with benevolent alien species (make world famous pot roast and cinnamon rolls). 2. Begin studying quantum mechanics 3. Find out if anyone still sells Tang. 4. Reread phone’s welcome packet to check for overlooked robotic arm.

(If the alien species doesn’t like pot roast and cinnamon rolls, we just might need it.)