Sunday, June 1, 2008

Dear John...

Published June 1, 2008

St. George Spectrum & Daily News

At this writing, my wedding day is just two days away (at your reading, it's two day's past), and I find myself with a healthy case of nerves. I'd be lying if I told you I thought this was just a case of completely normal and justified pre-second marriage/taking the plunge again/been burned once before type jitters. The painful truth is that I know exactly where these feelings lie.

I haven't written my "Dear John" letters yet.

You can imagine my stress. At any moment during the ceremony, some man (among many) who thinks he's the love of my life might stand and demand his moment to "speak now or forever hold [his] peace." If that happened, I'm sure the person marrying us would simply say we don't do that in this type of ceremony, but that makes it all the more nerve-wracking. How does a man whose heart has been ripped in two respond to that?

I didn't really want to know the answer to that question, hence the tardiness of my letters. Now, I have to struggle over the hearts I've broken AND the guilt of not even giving these guys a chance to interrupt my wedding with their passionate, yet fruitless pleas for my reconsideration. I've decided, therefore, to absolve myself with a...*cough* notice in this newspaper that I am officially off the market.

Notice to the below named: I wish to inform you that I have recently married one Richard D. Clark. This marriage has rendered me unavailable for further relationships with you, outside of friendship. Any claims you may feel you have on my heart are hereby dissolved. Specific reasons for this dissolution follow. I regret any pain and suffering you may feel as a result of this decision, but I accept no responsibility for such. Best of luck to you all.

Harrison Ford: You were more of a childhood crush. I loved your work in the Indiana Jones franchise and look forward to seeing you in your current installment. The fact of the matter is that I grew up and you got old…really old. That earring isn’t fooling anyone, Han.

Will Smith: I know it’s a shock. We’ve been together since you were the Fresh Prince of Bel Air. When all is said and done, however, you’re just not my type. I mean, hey…you’re cute, but there’s only so much if that one woman can take. And I’ve seen The Matrix movies. I’m pretty sure your wife could beat me up. Lovely woman, though.

Josh Groban: What can I say? You really do “raise me up” with your beautiful singing voice. Lets not call this goodbye. It’s just a renegotiation of our relationship. You understand, right? I have all your CDs hidden in the laundry room and have relabeled you as “John Grovan” on my iPod. That’s as far as this married woman is willing to go, so don’t ask for more.

Alfred Matthew “Weird Al” Yankovic: This is the hardest Dear John of all. You are absolutely everything I want in a man. You’re highly intelligent, funny, weird, goofy, witty, creative, talented, and, well, I might as well call you Richard, the Second. You two even look alike. Perhaps the fact that I’ve married your clone is small comfort to you. I would like to point out that you haven’t exactly been available to me since you married She Who Must Not Be Named. That’s right, Al. You broke my heart first. Consider it comeuppance.

I could probably write similar letters to Gary Sinise, Michael Buble, Gerard Butler, and Patrick Dempsey, but I think I’ve covered the most important ones. Either way, the wedding was not interrupted and my guilt over all these broken hearts is now officially assuaged.

Of course, when George Clooney shows up on my doorstep and says, “What gives?” it will all be back again.