The Mother Load

Published April 20, 2008
St. George Spectrum & Daily News

As I considered my options for the topic of today’s column, I performed a ritual I’ve done nearly every week since getting a cell phone with a memo feature. Listening to the 12 second recordings of the various column ideas I’ve stored over the last few months got me nowhere...probably because I’ve been listening to the same ideas very week since December.

I usually transfer the recorded ideas to my computer and erase the recordings to make room for new ideas. A super busy life combined with fast flowing new ideas over the past few weeks has kept the idea pool stagnant for too long, and I’m at a loss as to which one to choose. One thing is certain, though. The pool needs to be emptied and a column needs to be written. (Hmmm...that sounds like two things.)

Having no more time right now to transfer these ideas to the specified folder than I’ve had since Christmas, I’ve decided to do something absolutely ingenious. I’m going to write ALL the columns, in shortened form, and present them here for your reading pleasure! (It will either come off as ingenious or very lazy and stupid, but I’m banking on ingenious because it gets me more sleep.)

Column #1: "Caramel steamers are my new mommy." So, I decided to try a "coffee free" version of a tasty hot beverage at a local coffee shop the other day (um, in December). Apparently, when you take the coffee out of a Caramel Macchiatto, you create what they call a Caramel Steamer, a cup full of smooth and creamy caramel love. It’s basically hot milk and caramel and it’s at least a dollar cheaper than a "Coffee Free Caramel Macchiatto." I’m going to call it the MacchiNOTo from here on out, just to annoy them...and I’ll be waking up three times a night to have one.

Column #2: "The bad thing about sleeping in: the potential for bladder explosion." Moms can’t sleep in. It’s the most terrible secret of Momdom. I have nowhere to be on Saturday mornings, and I have children quite old enough to get themselves breakfast. You’d think Mother Nature would smile down on me as I lounge in bed until 9 or 10. Instead, I’m up by 7, convinced if I don’t make it to a bathroom within 30 seconds, my bladder will explode inside me and I’ll be stuck explaining it to the ER docs. Yes, I know I’d probably have an accident before my bladder would ever come close to actually exploding. At this point, I think the ER visit is preferable to that.

Column #3: "Mom de plume." Now, that’s clever! Show me a mom and I’ll show you a woman who’d like to change her "name" once in awhile. When you find yourself turning around ten times in the grocery store and you haven’t even brought your kids, you get the feeling the mom moniker has taken control. It would be great if every "Mom, she hit me!" or "Mom, I want that!" were balanced by a "Mom, you’re the best!" I’m taking matters into my own hands. From now on, every Saturday from 10 am until 2 pm, I’m going to hide in my closet under an assumed name. I’m working on a few ideas. I’d go by Sarah, but they’ve figured out how to use that one when I stop responding to Mom.

Column #4: "My car is like Christine’s annoying little sister." See, she doesn’t want to actually kill anyone. She just likes to irritate me. When I need to get into the driver’s side quickly, the remote access opens every door but that one. When I need to get something out of the passenger’s side and am glad the driver’s side door won't be unlocking, she unlocks that one. No, I don’t think it’s strange that I’m comparing my lock irritation with a homicidal fictional car possessed by an evil spirit.

Column #5: "Inside Maaaaaan. Richard needs to give me 75 thousand dooooooooollars." I have no idea what this means. It was saved to my cell phone at 1:25 am on March 15th. I hear my older sister, Maria, laughing in the background. This kind of misuse of my cell phone’s memo feature is highly unprofessional. I’ll be having a few strong words with myself shortly.

Unless, of course, Richard does decide to give me $75,000.