The Mother Load

Published January 27, 2008
St. George Spectrum & Daily News

Sometimes a column idea comes to me out of nowhere. Sometimes, I have a little help from the world around me. I see a word on a billboard or hear a conversation in a store. Sometimes, however, when no ideas are forthcoming, I find my subjects on the national stage.

Being without a TV to keep up to me up to date on pop culture and current events, I've had to turn to the internet for such things. A quick search of today's headlines yielded a plethora of results. "Study: Bypass better than stents." "The next banking crisis on the way." "Finances made easy." "Cow pronounced dead survives fire." "Stocks storm back."

I looked over those possibilities and thought, boring, bland, not funny, whaaaaa? Cow pronounced dead survives fire? Miracle on the farm? Divine intervention leads to bovine resurrection?

Here's what I'd like to know. Who is it that actually pronounces a cow dead? Is there some emergency vet solemnly stopping his stoic attempts at CPR, turning to an equally solemn veterinary assistant, saying, "Time of death: 5:32 pm. Time of barbecue: 6:00 pm."

So many questions arise from a headline like that. How long did they think the cow was dead? Was there a vigil involved. How did they realize she was alive? Did she just open her eyes and say, "You know...I feel better! I think I'll go for a walk!" Did they leave in search of seasoning and come back to find her gone? Is the cow now considered the "undead," and should we all be guarding our necks.

Apparently, there's video footage of the the cow in question that would shed more light on what happened and why. In fact, the only way to learn more about this incident is to watch the video. Unfortunately for me, I have dialup internet (I know!), so online videos are not really available to me. I'm assuming it's just a news report...perhaps an interview with the supercow.

"So, how does it feel to be the first cow in recorded history to come back from the dead?"

"Moo."

"Wow...just...wow."

Of course, if it's not a news report, the PETA people are going to be all over it. Can you imagine? "No animals were harmed during the shooting of this video...except the cow, but it's all right. She's back, so killing her doesn't count."

Whatever the actual story, somewhere in the world there is a cow enjoying her fifteen minutes of fame and a few humans feeling mighty stupid for doubting her ability to survive. At some point, I may log on to someone else's computer and watch the video to see just how such a thing happened. If it's interesting enough, I may organize a pilgrimage to visit the hereford chosen one.

I'll bring the steak sauce. You bring the grill.