The Mother Load

Published February 20, 2005
St. George Spectrum & Daily News

Today is a day that will go down in history as a day of mighty triumph for me. I am no longer Sarah Wilson, mild mannered wife and mother. I am Sarah, conqueror of the waterbed! If you're feeling adventurous and are willing to sign a waiver absolving The Spectrum of any liability, I'll tell you the harrowing tale.


The waterbed in my master bedroom knew its days were numbered. Years of maintenance and thankless drudgery were at an end as I approached with an arrogant swagger and an uncommon temerity.

"Do you feel lucky, punk?" I asked. The bed just stared back in cool defiance. Just try, it seemed to reply. Something in that bed knew my husband wasn't home to help. But that bed didn't know me well enough. When there's a job to be done, I'm 40% impatient urgency, 60% stubborn spunk, heavy on the stubborn.

Throwing back my head in a laugh of evil delight, I wrestled a hose into the spout of the mattress and threw open the faucet in my laundry room sink. Nothing... I readjusted the hose, checked the connections, and again turned on the water. Again, nothing.

Somewhere in the murky depths inside that mattress, I heard a snicker. Surveying my hose, with it's brand name of "Cheap" prominently displayed, I saw a long row of tight kinks. Blast those infernal kinks!

I descended upon the home of my unsuspecting neighbor.

"My kingdom for a hose!" I cried. They quickly produced one, eager to rid their home of this crazy woman. With the new hose in my arsenal, I knew victory would be mine, and the cocky mattress was dispensed with quickly and methodically.

I fought a few more minor battles before the deed was done. I had to enlist my young children in the task of moving the new, king sized mattress into my room ("One...two...three...PUSH!") only to learn it didn't fit within the waterbed frame. Dismantling the frame took longer than planned because of an insurgency of stubborn screws, but with the Power Drill of Destiny, I claimed victory.

It probably would have been easier to wait until this weekend to tackle the bed with the aid of my husband's strength and know how. However, had I done that, I would not have the story to tell, and I would have lived out the rest of my life without ever knowing my full, bed conquering potential. Aaron, on the other hand, gets this opportunity all the time.

For instance, tomorrow morning will be quite character building for him when he discovers the deflated mattress in the shower.